Saturday 21st May 2022

X Marks The Spot.43/51. #LifeThisWeek #WomenofCourage. 2/2.123/2021.

X Marks The Spot.43/51. #LifeThisWeek. #WomenofCourage. 2/2. 123/2021.

Last week, I wrote here,  about the first half of summing up for Women of Courage.
Now it’s time for the second part.

Before I move on, it’s been an interesting experience to ask people to be willing to share a story of courage.

Some women I approached not knowing them at all, and some said “yes” with no hesitation and yet others, who already have relatively well-known lives via social media and work, said “I am not a woman of courage” and “I have nothing of interest to share.”

Those responses made me sit back and think. Were they ‘threatened’ or ‘fearful’ or were they just not really interested?

If you are someone who wants to hold all the control in your life…well-done if you think you can because it is proven over and over again we cannot.

However, if you are willing to take a risk, and be vulnerable, then you will not only empower yourself but you may even encourage others to do the same. I did exactly that each time I reached out to ask a woman if she would consider this. More about this at the end of this post.

Here’s the second part from 2020 and with the final series in 2021.

Brene Brown has helped me learn to be vulnerable and to learn more about empathy in ourselves and fellow humans. I know many who read here will have seen Brene’s brief video about empathy but I reckon I can get away with sharing it again.

Thank you to the women here who were/are vulnerable. I also want to say, that in life’s many challenges, some who wrote posts have had their personal lives turn inside out/upside down via loss of a partner and health. I acknowledge this today and send my best to you.

The second part of the list of women of courage”
38. Tara Flannery
39. Natalie
40. Anonymous
41. Jo
42. Ann
43. Christina Henry
44. Anonymous
45. Laurie
46. Christie Hawkes
47. J.T.
48. Julie McCrossin AM
49. Rosemarie
50. Anonymous
51. Anna
52. Stella
53. Yvonne McLaren
54. Leanne
55. Tanya Selak
56. Cate Froggatt
57. Marsha Ingrao
58. Tracey-Lee
59. Denyse’s Relatives
60. Tracey Breese
61. P.M.
62. Juliette O’Brien
63. Cosette Calder
64. Anne Howe
65. Denyse Whelan
66. Jacqui
67. Terri Webster Schrandt
68. Gloria Hill
69. Bianca Hewes
70. Anonymous
71. Joanne
72. Alice Leung
73. Gillian Coutts
74. Ness

Do have a read of your post if you shared your story …all of them are found here on this page. Thank you for sharing.

Denyse.

Link Up #263.

Life This Week. Link Up #263.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in.

* Please add just ONE post each week! NOT a link-up series of posts, or multiple posts. Thank you.

* Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not.

* Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply. It’s a kind connection I value as a blogger! 

* Check out what others are up to: Leave a comment on a few posts, because we all love our comments, right!

* Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere, or on your sidebar or let others know somewhere you are linking up to this blog’s Life This Week.

*Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog & the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. These may include promotions, advertorials, sales and any that are overly religious or political or in any way offensive in nature.

Next Week’s Optional Prompt: 44/51 Young. 1 Nov. Link Up #264. Mr W. is back with his final post in 2021 on a different topic.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter


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Self Care Stories #6. #WomenofCourage 1/2. 42/51 #LifeThisWeek. 122/2021.

Self Care Stories #6. #WomenofCourage 1/2. 42/51 #LifeThisWeek. 122/2021.

In this week’s self care stories the words are not about me.

All the stories from the Women of Courage series are here.

They are about these women noted here and what they shared as Women of Courage back in 2019 for what became known as Series 1.

Further on are some of the women from 2020, which became Series 2.  In the final post where I will wrap the remainder of the women’s stories from 2020 and then those who were part of Series 3 which ended in September 2021.

 

How did Women of Courage start?

I am  introducing the series with  examples from (my!) life. That post will go live on Wednesday 15 May 2019.

After that, at certain intervals,  other “women of courage”, will be having their stories shared via a post here.

It is a goal of mine as a blogger to connect us all and to share our stories.

Thank you for your interest as a reader and commenter here.

I look forward to this series as the year proceeds and we all get to read about some different and wonderful:

                                 Women of Courage

And then what happened?

I am excited, interested and curious about these stories from real life…and women of courage!

I hope you are too.

If you would like to share your story of being a woman of courage* please let me know in the comments and I will email you. That would be great!

*there are no men included as I  think we women do not talk or not write about our stories enough which is why I have called the series: Women of Courage.

This woman here, Jane Caro AM, author, mother, and more, is a friend and I was delighted to hear her speak about the book Accidental Feminists which struck a chord for me, given my age and stage in life. I then put a post out about me, and already asked some people from the world of blogging to share their stories, and away it went.

Thank you to women of courage:

It had its challenges getting answers of Yes/No?Can I Get Back To You?/I Am Not Courageous…but I accepted all whose answers arrived.

Then if there had been an agreement to add their story, I sent off the same five questions to all.

 

Questions from Denyse:

  • What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?
  • How did this change you in any way? Please outline further if this has been the case.
  • Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage?
  • Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it?
  • Why is that?Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

And then waited for responses. Some came fast, others came slowly but in the end 74 women shared! Not all used their real names and that of course was fine.

2019: Series One.

2020: Part of Series Two.

 

I pay particular tribute to dear friend and artist, Tracey Fletcher King who recently died.

Tracey had been an amazing and inclusive art teacher and I ‘met’ her virtually when I did classes with her in 2015. I knew then she had cancer but was free of it for some time.

Sadly, then around 2016 into 2017, hers became a nasty one, and she required on-going chemo which came at a price. Her last art exhibition was a monumental occasion and struggle but she achieved her goal to hold it. She supported me from day one of my cancer diagnosis and was a generous friend to me and many.

She was determined she share her story while she could, and because I am highlighting her here, this is the direct link. Vale Tracey. This is classic Tracey art…blue and white, and fruit. From her website.

 

Now on the right hand side of my blog’s home page, here is the roll for Women of Courage 1-37.

    1. 1. Sam Colden
    2. 2. Megan Blandford
    3. 3. Katherine
    4. 4. Debbie Harris
    5. 5. Kirsty Russell
    6. 6. Annette
    7. 7. Dorothy
    8. 8. Leanne
    9. 9. Min
    10. 10. Tegan Churchill
    11. 11. Kirsten
    12. 12. Megan Daley
    13. 13. Alicia
    14. 14. Veronica
    15. 15. Deborah
    16. 16. Sarah
    17. 17. Lydia C. Lee
    18. 18. Margaret Jolly
    19. 19. Jan Wild
    20. 20. Tracey Fletcher King
    21. 21. Deb Morton
    22. 22. Joanne
    23. 23. Lisa Greissl
    24. 24. Grace Titioka
    25. 25. Anonymous
    26. 26. Maureen Jansen
    27. 27. Sandra Kelly
    28. 28. Beth Macdonald
    29. 29. Lorna Gordon
    30. 30. Jayde
    31. 31.Cathy
    32. 32. Sue Loncaric
    33. 33. Sanch
    34. 34. Rebecca Bowyer
    35. 35. Jennifer Jones
    36. 36. Anonymous
    37. 37. Kathy

If your story is here, why not go back to the page here  and have a read to check out what you shared then.

Warm wishes to all,

Denyse.

Link Up #262.

Life This Week. Link Up #262.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in.

* Please add just ONE post each week! NOT a link-up series of posts, or multiple posts. Thank you.

* Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not.

* Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply. It’s a kind connection I value as a blogger! 

* Check out what others are up to: Leave a comment on a few posts, because we all love our comments, right!

* Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere, or on your sidebar or let others know somewhere you are linking up to this blog’s Life This Week.

*Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog & the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. These may include promotions, advertorials, sales and any that are overly religious or political or in any way offensive in nature.

Next Week’s Optional Prompt: X Marks the Spot. My post will be Part 2/2 of Women of Courage. Recap.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter


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Women Of Courage Series. #44. Anonymous. 49/2020.

Women Of Courage Series. #44. Anonymous. 49/2020.

Trigger warning: twin pregnancy, death of one child in utero, miscarriage.

 

 

A series of blog posts on Denyse Whelan Blogs to be found here from mid-May 2019: Wednesdays: each week until the series concludes in 2020.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda.

 

The person who has chosen anonymity is well-known to me and I respect her choice to do so. She has shared her story with me some time ago. The kind of story that no-one wants to be theirs. But, it is and was for Anonymous and her family. She, as in her style, tells her story in her way. I respect her very much for her courage, her sharing and the way in which she has chosen to do so. Thank you Anonymous.

 

Sharing Our Stories of Courage.

 

I strongly believe that women don’t seek (or receive) enough credit for the many wonderful and courageous things they do, often on a daily basis. So when my friend Denyse asked me to join other women in telling a story where I showed courage, I agreed to share my story.

In doing so, I hope that one or two women are encouraged to talk about their experiences with miscarriage and loss.

It was January 1996 when we discovered we were pregnant with our third child.

Although unplanned we were not particular upset with the news-we already had two beautiful daughters, my husband had recently commenced a new job where he was very happy and for the first time we had the littlest bit of money in the bank.

Unlike my previous pregnancies I felt sick all day this time around.

We were most surprised at an early ultrasound when they mentioned that they could see two heartbeats and ‘twins’ were confirmed at a 12-week ultrasound.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t a trouble free pregnancy as I was diagnosed with diabetes, my liver and kidney started showing signs of distress and I was sick most days.

I was visiting three different specialists each week and was hospitalised a few times due to the complications.

Despite this I had always wanted a big family so was thrilled to have two babies joining our little family and our daughters were beside themselves with excitement.

We had decided to find out the genders at the 18-week ultrasound and excitedly walked into the room telling this to the technician.

 

 

As soon as she placed the wand on my stomach I knew that something was wrong.

She quickly exited the room and returned with another obviously more senior person in tow.

After scanning me for a few minutes he asked me to sit up.

He then told us that there was our bigger twin had recently passed away.

We were taken into another room.

In shock we were quickly and unemotionally told that I had no choice but to carry both babies as the life of the other baby depended on me successfully carrying it to term.

We were then sent on our way.

At no stage was I offered any sort of support or counselling or anytime in the months or even years afterwards.

 

 

The next few months were fairly hellish medically and emotionally as I carried two babies-one alive and one not.

I had to show courage during this time as I spent more time in hospital than out and as I readjusted my dream of twins.

Eventually our beautiful son was born in the September and we celebrated his arrival with much joy and a lot of relief that he had finally arrived.

Two years later we found out that he had some received some damage to his brain at the 18-week utero mark; right around the time when his twin died.

That however is another story for another day.

Not for a single second do I regret what I had to go through to bring our son safely into this world, just as I don’t regret carrying his three siblings.

I hope things have changed over the last few decades, especially in the telling of bad news as the impact miscarriage has on a women becomes more acknowledged and recognised.

 

What courage it is to share a story of love and heartbreak from one woman. As I hope to offer support to others or at least offer places to help any person with issues which may arise from the loss of a child in utero or at birth, the following sites have been included below.

Thank you Anonymous. I know you will be in the thoughts and minds of the blog’s readers and commenters and whilst you will not be responding, know that we are ‘with you’.

Denyse.

 

https://www.panda.org.au/

https://www.sands.org.au/stillbirth-and-newborn-death

Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14 – Crisis Support and Suicide …

 

Joining each Wednesday with Sue and Leanne here for Mid Life Share the Love Linky.

On Thursdays I link here for Lovin Life with Leanne and friends.

Copyright © 2020 denysewhelan.com.au – All rights reserved.

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Women Of Courage Series. #40 Anonymous. 41/2020.

Women of Courage Series.

How did it start? Read here!

Who was the first Woman of Courage to share her story? It was Sam.

Thank you all…today might be an anonymous post, as have several others been, to protect the identities of those whose stories form part of the post.

ONE YEAR ON…here we are…..in May 2020 with the fortieth person to share her story.

2020 Image For the Series.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda.

 

Trigger warning: Family Breakdown, Grief, Terminal Illness.

 

Women Of Courage Series. #40 Anonymous. 41/2020.

“THEY SAY WE WALKED AWAY”

When Denyse asked me to join this incredible group of women in her Women of Courage series I wondered where to focus.

How do I do my spot on your screen justice?

How should I make this worth your while?

 

Today I am going to hold my husband’s hand and tell you about the day we had to find more courage than we ever thought we’d have to find in our lifetime.

Today I’m going to talk about the day we chose to walk away.

 

The Back Story

Once upon a time two people met and fell in love. They got married with his young daughter standing beside them.

His daughter was ingrained in their marriage and became the much-loved big sister to the children born from their union.

Fast forward to when his daughter got married, fell pregnant and moved interstate.

The daughter and her husband needed financial assistance to buy a home which the two people offered as guarantors.

Then the daughter got cancer.

Her husband walked out of the family home leaving her, their child, the cancer and the debt.

The two people don’t know why he did this.

They never asked.

Instead, the two people and the extended village supported the daughter as best they could and fell deeply in love with their grandchild.

Over the next five years the daughter cried often. As she fought the cancer she was also fighting for custody of her child.

She gratefully won the second battle.  She could not beat the first.

 

The cancer was aggressive.  The husband returned.

All money, court cases and his hurtful emails were forgotten as a united front was created for peace in her final year.

The daughter passed away surrounded by love.

 

The two people reached out to the husband offering meals, cleaning, baby sitting and support for the mini-me born from their daughter’s womb.

Then one day the husband declared the two people were no longer grandparent worthy.

Despite their best efforts in trying to understand his aggression, access to their daughter’s mini-me was taken from them via a text message.

Just like her mamma who’d passed away 6 months prior, they would not see their grandchild again.

 

The Pursuit For Peace

The above story is a very quick and overly simplified look at the twenty-five years I personally had the pleasure of being a stepmother and the 6 years I got to be a step-grandmother.

Of course, we didn’t just walk away then and there.

We chose to seek peace.

This was a very weird turn of events given the unity and open-door policy we’d extended.

We waited.

 

Then we gently texted, called and visited the house of the husband awaiting the day it would be business as usual.

We assumed he was going through a phase that required distance and fewer interactions in his life.

Alas, he ignored all contact and rejected all visits.

As a peace-loving family, we’ve never been involved in this sort of animosity.

My husband and I have backgrounds which are in synch.

We don’t do drama.

Our families don’t do war.

As an extended bunch, we choose to accept people for who they are and focus on strengths.

We choose peace and we choose happiness.

We don’t know why he rejected us so firmly and completely.

The people around us suggest it was his own guilt driving the decisions rather than anything we had personally done.

Counsellors advised likewise.

 

My husband – father and maternal grandfather – he knew.

He knew the day his daughter passed away it was only a matter of time he’d lose his granddaughter.

He knew the husband well enough to predict the future. He was just waiting for whatever excuse the husband would use to “justify” it.

 

When it became clear the husband was serious about taking our grandchild away, we sought the advice of lawyers and organized mediation.

 

We sat and listened to all the things he hated about us.  I personally spent the entire session in tears. I so badly wanted to explode. I so badly wanted to speak my truth.  I so badly just wanted to remind him of his cowardly departure from our daughter five years prior. His cowardly departure from her cancer and the $500,000 mortgage he left us with in a town where industry has disappeared, and houses have halved in value.

 

Do you know how hard it was to welcome someone into our home after wiping away our daughter’s chemo tainted tears caused by her husband’s emails, texts and profanities from the other end of a phone? Words I can’t utter because they are too disgusting to repeat.

 

Do you know how hard it was to watch him spend his newly found wealth gained from her death?

But my husband and I didn’t shout.  We didn’t say the things we wanted to say.  Why? Because we choose peace.

That afternoon the husband told us if ever our granddaughter asked to see us, he would consider it.

Then he said, “but quite frankly, she’s never mentioned your names”.

Then he walked out the door.

 

When you love someone, truly love someone, all you want for them is peace.

So, for the sake of our daughter’s memory and the sake of our granddaughter, we made the ultimate decision when he left that mediation session.

As I pressed my face into my husband’s tear soaked suit, we both agreed to walk away in the belief that when she’s old enough and no longer under the influence of her father, our granddaughter will come looking for her Mamma’s other family.

 

Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend helping others who need courage?

In all honesty, I would never wish this heartbreak on anyone.

The feeling is so overwhelming it’s unfathomable.

Since that day in the mediator’s office we’ve had to dig deep just to go about our daily activities.

But there is always a lesson worth sharing:

 

  1. When you love something, set it free: The greatest courage comes from being selfless. To continue fighting may have put our granddaughter under stress.  While our hearts will be broken forever, her heart will mend.
  2. Nobody can take away our true selves, unless we let them: I am still a stepmother. I am still a grandmother.  I can’t see either of our girls anymore, but they are still in my heart, in my head and in my soul.  They remain ingrained in who I am as a person, who we are as a couple and who we are as a family.  I continue to talk to our daughter every day, and I write letters to our granddaughter which I keep in a box for the day she comes back to us.  Plus, I have her mother’s voice recordings to give her when she’s of age and a book her mamma half wrote for her in her final days.  I will finish that book and put it in her box of “we love you”.  Nobody can take away the person I became when I married into that father/daughter dynamic.
  3. Behind every challenge is an opportunity: Walking away that day with our hearts heavy and our souls severely damaged, gave us the opportunity to reinvent ourselves and try new things. I had given myself to be available as a caregiver for several years.  I was offered long-term contracts but never took them so I could be available for our daughter and then our granddaughter.  Finding myself in a new career has been an amazing up-side. And yes, there is an upside. Nothing will replace what we had, but without it we can still thrive.  Lie in a heap in a corner or get up and bloody well get on with life.  That’s the decision we must make in these situations.

 

Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why is that?

Absolutely. In this uncertain world filled with bushfires, hailstorms, floods and pandemics, my resilience is high.

My courage is at an all time high.

We have gone through stuff and experienced such loss and not only survived it but walked away from it hand in hand.

The most courageous thing we ever had to do was turn and walk away.  Everything else is a piece of cake to be honest.

 

Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

Believe.

  • Believe in your ability to get through the challenges
  • Believe that while ever you are being the best version of yourself, your courage will far outshine the rubbish that surrounds you.
  • Believe in the fact this too shall pass.
  • Believe that with each new situation you are faced you will come out wiser, stronger, braver and more resilient.
  • Believe in who you are and the value you add to this world.

 

Was it hard to tell this story?

Yes, it’s hard.  It’s hard because by putting it out there I am opening the wounds.  I am also potentially opening a door for more explosive behaviour from the husband and his extended village.  But you know what? This series is about courage.  For years I tip toed around being the diplomatic corps for the sake of my stepdaughter.  Always the insurer of peace in the blended family dynamic.  My post today … these words you are reading … are coming from a place of courage.

 

Any final words?

If anybody reads my story and feels lost in a similar situation, please do reach out to Denyse.  I am a strong believer that the power within us, extends beyond us.  I am lucky that I have a hand to hold.  Not everybody has that.  I can be that hand for you if you need it.

A powerful story and one of which some has been shared with me personally. I thank this person for her literal courage to share.

While the author of this post would like to reveal herself, for the sake of her daughter’s memory and her grandchild’s privacy she has chosen to remain anonymous. 

There will be no replies from this poster.

She will, however, be reading and I will be responding to readers’ comments.

Thank you for your understanding.

Denyse.

 

The following information may be helpful to you or another. These are Australian-based.

  • Your Family G.P. can be a helpful person to listen and make referrals.
  • Lifeline on 13 11 14
  • Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636
  • Phone 13 HEALTH (13 43 25 84) for 24 hour assessment, referral, advice, and hospital and community health centre contact details
  • Qualified Psychologists can be found by visiting https://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/
  • Australian Counselling Association is on 1300 784 333 to find a counsellor

Joining each Wednesday with Sue and Leanne here for Mid Life Share the Love Linky.

On Thursdays I link here for Lovin Life with Leanne and friends.

Copyright © 2020 denysewhelan.com.au – All rights reserved.

 

 

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