Monday 20th September 2021

Women of Courage Series. #66 Jacqui. 95/2021.

Women of Courage Series. #66 Jacqui. 95/2021.

 

Content/Trigger Warning: I have been requested to add this. Information for readers is at the end of this post. Thank you.

 

Two years ago….I tentatively courageously launched Women of Courage series on my blog and here was what I said then:

I got this idea from attending the Newcastle Writers Festival in April 2019 and hearing the wonderful Jane Caro speak about her book Accidental Feminists. IF you ever get a chance to listen to or read Jane’s works they are very good.

What I considered after that day and in the days to come is how we women have a tendency to underplay our achievements and whatever else we are doing in our lives. I know this is changing.

This third series of blog posts on Denyse Whelan Blogs to be found here will continue to be published each Thursday.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda

Welcome to Jacqui’s story as a woman of courage. Jacqui and I have similar career background and have met via twitter..often! I was so pleased when she put her hand up pretty fast to say “yes” and got her story back to me. We have chatted about her story more, and in keeping with others’ privacy have kept some identifiers deliberately hidden.

Thanks so much Jacqui. Oh, and Jacqui has included some great links for us at the end of her story.

 

Introduction from Jacqui.

It’s taken me a while to think about the times when I’ve most needed courage and decide which story to focus on.

Throughout my career or 20+ years of teaching I have pushed myself to show courage- to stand up for what’s right, challenge pedagogy, take on new experiences and chase promotion.

There was even a time where I was so broken I thought I would quit teaching altogether.

I had to work very hard to find my passion again.

As it turns out I have shown  enormous amounts of courage in my professional life.

So, instead, I am going to focus on courage in my personal life. And, it’s happening now.

 

What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?

6 months ago my life stood still for a moment.

  • My 11yr old daughter was having suicidal thoughts.
  • How can this be possible? She’s only 11.
  • I can’t ever remember being aware of death/suicide at that age, let alone thinking that I didn’t fit in this world.

My heart was breaking.

Her psychologist urgently needed to meet with me and of course I went.

She was tangled in a web of depression and anxiety.

To move forward, I need to go back a bit.

This is my third child, my husband’s sixth. Our last.

She had complications after delivery and spent the first 3 weeks in the neonatal clinic.

At 5-6 years old she was showing signs of puberty.

I insisted on investigations and at about 7yrs we found out that she has a genetic condition known as non-classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia (NCCAH).

This was a whole bundle of changes including 3x daily medication and an emergency action plan for the rest of her life.

You would think that was enough to deal with, but there’s more.

  • It was around about this time that I discovered I was no longer in love with my husband.
  • After lots of fighting, tears and deep discussions we agreed to stay together without being intimate.
  • We thought this was the best option as our eldest was sitting the HSC.
  • Little did we know that our astute little girl picked up on all of this, causing her great confusion and a deep worry about me.
  • She pushed her father away and became extremely clingy and attached to me.
  • It was suffocating but I was unaware of the damage it was causing her.
  • She could not work out the ‘reality’ of our family or where she fit in (her closest sibling is 8 years older). So it was at this psychologist appointment that I found the courage to do what I needed to do for me. For her. I went home and told my husband that I needed to move out.

 

How did this change you in any way? Please outline further if this has been the case.

I released all of the pain anger hurt and disappointment from the last 4 years and slipped into my own silent world of depression.

I needed to find the deepest courage to be vulnerable, be honest, be real.

I needed to be strong enough to share this with my daughter to a certain extent so she can see that  it is possible to make changes and heal ourselves (with support).

I started seeing a psychologist of my own.

I spoke up and stood up to my husband for the first time – I bought a house and moved in with my 2 daughters.

I also started to discover myself. I’d lost so much of who I was throughout my almost 30yrs relationship.

 

 

Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage?

That the comfortable or easiest pathway isn’t always the one we are meant to travel.

That sometimes even the best intentions cause the most pain to ourselves and to others.

That it’s ok to ask others for help.

That it’s ok to put yourself first.

 

Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why is that?

Absolutely.

I have had 6mths of ongoing courage.

It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Courage has got me through all the other parts that come with separation- financial separation, setting up a new house, co-parenting plans and decision making.

It’s still hard.

The grief and sorrow is enormous.

Making my own decisions is a strange novelty.

The regret and guilt of the impact on my daughter is always there.

But, I know that I have the skills, the strength, the determination, the love and the courage to get through it all and to help my daughter find her courage.

 

Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

Even the highest mountain can be climbed if you take that first step.

We are stronger than we think.

And Brene Brown’s book Dare to Lead and her TED talks were very helpful for me. I was reading it for professional purposes but I found it was helpful in my personal life also.
Thank you so much for your story Jacqui. Courage requires vulnerability and more and you have, in the sharing, as well as the living of this, demonstrated the qualities you have in so many areas. One day, it would be good to finally catch up. As always, we wait for those times and areas around N.S.W.  to open once we are declared “covid-safe”…if there is such a declaration!
Denyse.
For those who may need to reach out to organisations based on this story’s content these are Australian-based sources for help.
Your Family G.P. can be a helpful person to listen and make referrals.

Lifeline on 13 11 14

Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636

Phone 13 HEALTH (13 43 25 84) for 24 hour assessment, referral, advice, and hospital and community health centre contact details

Qualified Psychologists can be found by visiting https://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/

Australian Counselling Association is on 1300 784 333 to find a counsellor

Joining with Natalie here for Weekend Coffee Share.

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