Friday 22nd October 2021

Women of Courage Series. #70. Anonymous.107/2021.

Women of Courage Series. #70. Anonymous.107/2021.

 

Two years ago… I tentatively courageously launched Women of Courage series on my blog and here was what I said then:

I got this idea from attending the Newcastle Writers Festival in April 2019 and hearing the wonderful Jane Caro speak about her book Accidental Feminists. IF you ever get a chance to listen to or read Jane’s works they are very good.

What I considered after that day and in the days to come is how we women have a tendency to underplay our achievements and whatever else we are doing in our lives. I know this is changing.

This third series of blog posts on Denyse Whelan Blogs to be found here will continue to be published each Thursday into September 2021 when it will conclude.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda

Trigger Warning: Abuse, Children, Mental Health.
There are websites at the conclusion of this post recommended by Anonymous in conjunction with my intention for this blog’s policies.

 

 

 

Woman of Courage #70  has chosen to be anonymous. There will be no replies from this poster.

She will, however, be reading and I will be responding as I always do to readers’ comments.

Thank you for your understanding.

What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?

 

Growing up as a child I was faced with a lot of obstacles and situations when courage would have been best used but unfortunately it wasn’t.

I was a victim of a certain abuse by a close family member (like some victims unfortunately are).

Though I like to call myself a ‘survivor’ now instead.

I was quite young at the time and was put in a very vulnerable situation.

Sadly I did not have the courage to speak up about what had happened at the time.

A few years on, I started to see that if courage didn’t show its face soon more pain was to be brought.

So I found a small voice inside of me and told ‘Parent A’.

It was a shock to everyone and had some people unsure of what or who to believe.

The breaking of this news would be the end of something not so great and the start of something a little better.

But I began to understand the value of being courageous because as soon as I told someone, I wasn’t alone anymore.

 

 

How did this change you in any way?

 

Speaking up about what had occurred even just for the first time to Parent A, was a huge life changing moment for me.

I was never one to speak up as a kid.

Always felt the expectation to be the good girl and to just do what I am told.

To have found this voice and still be only just blooming into my teens was a stun to me.

I experienced a lot of character building from using my voice in times of need.

I was, and still kind of am to this day, one to hide away when things get hard.

But that moment, that day, would be the first of many courageous moments.

I feel that if I never spoke up then, I wouldn’t be able to use my voice as strongly as I do now.

The more I let myself be courageous when I needed to be most, in both positive and negative situations, it became easier as time went on.

 

 

Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage? 

 

I have definitely learnt from this situation as soon as you tell someone what’s going on, whether they don’t listen/respond or in any way care, you’ve told that person, they now know that information as well.

So you’re no longer alone.

Yes it would be best for them to listen intently and help you out to show they care but sometimes that’s not always the case.

And I learnt that  when I spoke up for the first time, Parent A technically didn’t believe what I had confessed.

And as much as that was a kick in the gut it still felt so good to finally say something.

So in recommendation, I guess I would say, as scary as having courage is and particularly in a situation of confession, just speak.

Even if the words don’t make sense at first just keep talking!

Just keep fuelling your courage and take care of it by standing up for what’s best in times that need it.

The hardest thing to learn is to accept that it’s a process, unfortunately gaining courage doesn’t happen overnight.

But it will come to you and continue to grow when you take care of yourself and wellbeing.

 

 

Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why’s that?

 

As previously stated, I definitely believe I could be courageous, and maybe even more so, in the moments that call for it.

I learnt a lot of huge life lessons as a kid and it helped me surround myself with the right people as I grew up.

I still struggle daily to use courage but I am way less afraid of it.

I have an extremely supportive partner who constantly teaches me that it is okay to speak up, that it is okay to have an opinion, that it is okay not to like something and say that aloud.

Every time I allow myself to be courageous, I can feel less of the weight on my shoulders.

I’ve also learnt that each time you use your courage you definitely become less fearful of the world and what’s around you.

 

 

Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed? 

 

If you ever find yourself in a situation and a burst of courage is needed, take a deep breath and close your eyes and visualize the bigger picture.

Courage obviously does not have to be used only in negative situations.

But when faced with a negative circumstance and you need that bit of courage to keep yourself safe and content, a quick breather to analyse the situation before responding has helped me.

I always, and will admit sometimes I still do, think that the worse outcome is the only outcome possible.

But I’ve learnt over the years that if you choose to use courage in those particular situations you can have a better outcome.

And to just remember at the end of the day to be courageous is a choice, it just takes that little bit of faith.

 

Don’t ever be afraid to speak up, someone will always be there for you. And sometimes there’s even more people there for you than you think.

Thank you Anonymous for having the courage also to share your story. The readers and I would agree, I think,  that you are indeed a woman of courage. This poster is safe and well and in a secure relationship with a long term partner.

Sending all the best to you.

 

Denyse.

 

 

 

Recommended Sites: these are Australian sites.

 

Joining with Natalie here for Weekend Coffee Share.

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Calm Days And Calm Nights. 2/2021.

Calm Days And Calm Nights. 2/2021.

Yes I now have these: days and nights of calm.

I have found the secret to inner peace…forever and ever.

Actually that is so not true …..do read on!

Waaaay back in 2015 I was in transition. From my former to life to the life we had chosen. From work, family near by, security of home (until end of 2014) to retirement, no family nearby and no home other than a house to rent. It was not great YET it was the life we chose to have after turning 65.

 

My husband, above, who is of a much different disposition to me, was fine. In fact, he LOVED the change, except for the awful house we selected to rent, and was busy studying counselling on-line, doing volunteer work with Lifeline and building projects at his brother’s.

Me? I missed company, some work,  friends, going out for coffee and yet…..I knew that I could not get my old life back.

We HAD moved on.

When I get to write Chapter  Twenty One of Telling My Story for 2015 there will be much more revealed but right now, I am leading up to what started to make a difference for me….

Meditation.

I first found it in person, at a Buddhist Centre, in the first months of 2015, and then via an app called Headspace. This helped me from 2015 until into 2018 when I changed my meditation app to Calm. Now I am a life time subscriber and what a difference it makes for me:

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

& NIGHT.

In 2019 I shared more about Calm and its help for me over here.

These thoughts and views are formed by me, over time, as I changed and grew to understand what I was doing….I was practising meditation. I was practising being still and I was/am continuing to do this every day and each night. It’s called Meditation Practice for a good reason.

What Meditation Is Not.

  • a clearing out of your thoughts
  • a way to get to inner peace easily
  • a place & way of being seated to best meditate
  • perfection found
  • silence

What Meditation Is.

  • a regular 10-12 minutes in my morning, and then in my evening which is just for this.
  • lying in my bed…yes, not sitting nor kneeling, because I can still concentrate, relax and take in what I need to being comfortable on my back with my hands by my sides.
  • a gift to my inner health
  • a space & time which I value that is MINE
  • something I can come back to over and over again
  • being curious about myself
  • learning something a new and refreshing my previous learnings.

How Did I Get Here?

Even before 2015 I was seeking help and information on how to help me calm myself inside and accept more readily what “life” is about. As a teacher and always a lifetime learner I sought much information, learning and help and got it via CDs, courses on-line and podcasts. I have added some images of some of my kept resources.

The first real introduction I had to becoming mindful and helping with the sadness I was feeling, even though I was not clinically depressed was this book and I still listen to it from time to time. These two men, Mark Williams and Danny Penman, are pioneers (after Jon Kabat-Zinn) of Mindfulness for Wellness and Using Mindful Practices for Stress Release.

Some were purchased on-line directly from Sounds True, others via my (then) favourite book selling site, Book Depository. Others I found directly on-line or at my local books sellers.

Some of the authors who helped me “get me” are:- are found here and in my messy but lovely photos of my books and CDs. On display for easy reading….for you, the reader.

Pema Chodron  Tara Brach    Jack Kornfield    Brene Brown  Sharon Salzberg  Clare Bowditch     

Elizabeth Gilbert   Andy Puddicombe  John O’Donohue   Jeff Foster  Judson Brewer

Megan Devine    Martin Seligman     Steve Peters    Andrew Fuller   Kristin Neff    Glennon Doyle

Rick Hanson   Christopher Germer    Lori Deschene    Paul Gilbert  Claire Weekes  Anne Lamott 

Yes, that IS a list and yet, not the end of it. The reason each of these people helped ME and form part of many meditation practices that I know of is that they mention common ideas:

there is only one moment: now

that we can only control one person, us

that we forget the above two often so we need to practise

AND, that it’s human to be like this.

This image is my iphone locked screen.

Calm Days And Calm Nights. What Is This About?

Regular readers of this blog know I was diagnosed with a form of head and neck cancer back in 2017. Full series of blog posts here. I learned so much about myself then, about what I could cope with, about how I could, with support and practise, learn to deal with hard things. I wrote a post or two about exposure therapy as I learned I HAD to do after seeing a psychologist back in 2016.

Changing from Headspace Meditation to Calm Meditation for me was about just that…change. It did turn out to go well for me in 2018 I was offered a great price for a lifetime subscription and being on a pretty fixed and low income that helps a lot.

I liked and still do the ways in which I can pick and choose the meditation for a particular reason*, for example, if  I sense I am being overly self-critical I will choose to do the series on that to learn and learn again (practise remember) the various ways in which I can pull myself up in terms of self-talk and gently guide myself forward.

Each day now, at the time of waking…and in retirement days this can vary from 8.00 am to 9.00 am and I LOVE that luxury, I open the Calm App and settle back in bed (loo stop first) for my morning Daily Calm. Following it, I reflect via the suggestions and may choose to keep and share the quote and image of the day. Then I get on with my day.

Oh, I do not write about Calm because I was asked to or I was paid to do so. I just like to share what works for me.

At the end of the day, again in bed, when I am ready to settle for the night, I select a meditation via need*. It does not matter if I have done this one before, there is always something new to learn and focus on.

If by the end of this one, I am still wide awake – not often – I may choose a Sleep Story. They are awesome and have great narrators and stories to share. It’s much better for me than music.

As we know and admit, we are all “works in progress” and I decided to share my thoughts in this first week of blogging 2021 with you and in joining a couple of link ups.

  • May you find peace.
  • May you be content.
  • May you be well.

When I am here…I am the most mindful I can be outside of practising meditation!

And may you never stop learning!

Denyse.

Joining with Leanne and friends here for link up called Lovin Life.

Now on the weekend I am joining here with Natalie and friends for a Coffee Catch Up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Learning To Be Calm. 39/2019.

Learning To Be Calm. 39/2019.

Over 4 years ago, when I first began understanding that I needed to care for myself INSIDE and out, I began meditation. I went to a retreat at the local Buddhist place and learned that I liked being calm and centred. Of course I could not stop thoughts coming and going and I thought then that made me a failure at meditation.

No.

It made me someone who understood that thoughts come and go no matter what but the trick is not to engage in them. Ha. Easier said than done!

Then.

Now, I have been doing some kind of mindfulness each day AND adding around 10 minutes or so of formal meditation via an app, I KNOW I can stop some of the previous ways in which my mind would race, my gut would churn and I would go down the slippery slope (my husband’s name for it) of rumination, regret and future thinking.

I am much better now at stopping the thoughts by not buying into them and distracting myself with going outside, doing some art, driving and listening to an audible book.

Here’s what I have used in the past: Headspace. I paid for it and used it most days for almost 3 years. What happened for me is boredom set in.

I moved to another app called Calm after doing the free trial.

A for Amazing. I love its variations, I love the refreshing of the meditations, I love that I can re-do ones I get a lot out of and I love that I can explore new sessions.

Sleep Stories is a winner too. I now tend to do my meditation at bedtime (I used to be a mid-morning meditator) and then, I might also listen to a sleep story. It is just the best.

This is the link to the website and you can see there is a free trial. I did that, then paid for an annual fee and after that was offered LIFETIME membership at not much more than the annual fee. I grabbed that bargain! I am not being paid ( I don’t do sponsored posts) but I like to recommend.

I hope you find some calm in your every day in any way that works well for you!

Denyse.

Joining with Min for her Zen Tips Tuesday link up here.

 

 

 

 

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