Wednesday 28th October 2020

Telling My Story. 2007. Part Two. Chapter Seventeen. 81/2020.

Telling My Story. 2007. Part Two. Chapter Seventeen. 81/2020.

2007 was a very full year of significant events which is why I have made it a two-parter! 

So, about a hundred three years ago ….I thought it was time, seeing I had a blog, to start writing my story. It was on advice from a blogging friend, now published author (her story is here) that I did. Then, for a long time I did not. Because cancer was diagnosed. Nevertheless, I eventually returned to the story and now I am at…drum roll… Chapter Seventeen. Part One from last week is here.

I know it’s been a while since I last posted. All the posts are here if you would like to check them out.

My Mum Has Died. 

Whilst her life in the last 2 or so years were not great, Mum did have a story to tell which I, along with my father and brother were happy to write as part of her soon-to-happen funeral.I admit, some of the days prior were a bit tense but when a family comes together and they wish to do what the remaining partner (Dad) wishes, then so be it. With help and support from extended family, a private funeral service and a wake back at (Mum) and Dad’s house family set about getting organised. Mum and Dad’s early years together are part of this Telling My Story Chapter here:

My daughter – Mum’s first grandchild – and I put together the small orders of service and we reminisced about a lot. My brother and his wife were helping Dad – they lived a lot closer and things like Mum’s clothes and the food and drink back at the wake were organised. Our contingent, travelled in a couple of cars from our area of Sydney and we met at the family home. I had an idea that if each of the women and girls wanted to wear something of Mum’s jewellery to her service, that would be nice. Everyone did and kept that.

I know my reaction to the event was both sad and also of relief. I actually wanted to give the eulogy but Dad refused. He gave that job to the minister who had never met Mum and only knew Dad from arranging the service at a church that he felt Mum would have wanted. Nevertheless he did a reasonable job and there were smiles and tears at the words. Dad, again, his idea, decided that no-one would accompany Mum’s body to the crematorium. Sadly she left alone. Our son, called out to her in farewell as her casket was taken.

Back to Dad’s house – not Mum’s anymore and we all mingled, with some of the close  friends Dad invited and gave her a farewell with champers and food. Sigh. Dad collected Mum’s ashes some weeks later, offered some to his family, and we said “no, thanks, keep Mum together!”. Dad planted 3 new favourite plants of hers (pretty sure, they are in this background) and added her ashes. When he sold the house and went to the independent living unit, he took one remaining pot with him.

Dad, Me & His (then) 3 Great Grandkids: front garden.

How Did I Manage?

Given that I had to start at a new school and a new job at a college just as we received the news that Mum had brain tumours, my mind was in overdrive. However, the income was needed but over the 2 weeks or so as she was hospitalised in palliative care, my wise GP told me I was far better acknowledging the grief and distraction and to take time off now and into the time following Mum’s death. I agreed and it helped greatly to know that I could get over to see her and help Dad as needed.

Never think a job is more important than these very significant times in family life.

There Will Be A New Grandchild In Our Lives in 2007.

This news was unexpected, welcomed and a big surprise. The mother-to-be and her partner, our son, were expecting. This gave me a very different and welcomed focus. I sure love being Grandma…and had 3 gorgeous grandkids already, but it had been 6 years since any were babies. I admit I went into Grandma-Must-Get “this for them and this for our house” and more….because having passed the grandbaby part of our lives, I had given quite a bit away. I was told that I needed to pull back a bit from this and I admit I needed this big time…looking at it now, I did, ahem over do it and yes, it was probably a great way to overcome the sadness of Mum’s death.

School. Work. Back To It. Grief.

It’s always hard to return to a job after a significant event like this one, my mother’s grave illness then death, but routine and work can help. I admit to some overwhelm and sadness and I think this was more about me trying to keep it all together. I have mentioned before that Mum and I were never that close yet it did surprise me that I felt the  tears prick at times, and as Mother’s Day 2007 beckoned, I recall thinking “no need for a card any more” and that sure did cement the finality. As the years have gone on, I have had some regrets about my relationship with Mum and have, in some ways, made some peace with her in the ways in which I bring up her name in family conversations and talk to Dad about her. He saw a grief counsellor after Mum died and the idea put to him that he write letters to Mum gelled. He filled folders and folders of these, only finishing a few years back. Every family event, anything of significance, Dad wrote to Mum about it. He would say it was very helpful.

Yes, back to work. I maintained the face of not minding where I was teaching but when an offer came that I could return to my former and preferred school I jumped at it. Sure it wasn’t as it used to be there as a new teacher had been appointed but I knew the school, the kids and the staff…and was 10 minutes from home. 3 days a week. Done. Did not go back to the College once the first term was over. Yay.

Moments, Days And Times To Enjoy.

Dad is a very practical person and he had run the house he and Mum lived in for at least 2 years before she died. Mum, who was incredibly energetic and liked to socialise had changed greatly over the years and this had taken a toll on Dad but he also needed to get stuff done. He stayed in their large family home for the next few years. More on that in chapters to come. He was the one who, on Mum’s death, disposed of her clothing and more once any of of us had a chance to speak up for what we might like. I took some scarves (never was my Mum’s small size anyway) and I was given all of her jewellery after others had a chance to select something for themselves. I have these in safe keeping now. Dad had a good set of friends and one part of his  family were not too far away. He got on with some days well, and at other times he craved company and went next door or to his local club to catch up.

I was busy back at the school I loved, and wrote the school’s English as a Second Language policy. The person who replaced me (ha!) got the job based on seniority on a waiting list. Her skills in administration were not, ahem, those of a former school principal. Fortunately for me, I was able to choose my work path and we only needed to connect from time to time. I was also getting closer to becoming Grandma to a little one again. Joyous times awaited.

HE is here.

The first son (and child for his parents) arrived…not as his mother had hoped…on a different day to her birthday but, yes, ON her birthday. Ah well, they will never forget each other’s birthdays! This young baby boy was a bit big. OK. A lot big..in the head. We do have big heads in our family. And, whilst his birth was a trauma for him, as he had to be delivered by forceps, his Mum and his Dad – along with their Obstetrician were champions. We got to meet this second grandson for us a little while after his arrival. Because of his rocky entry to the world, he could not be held by anyone other than his Mum (and Dad, I think) whilst in hospital.

My tradition has been to secure some tiny wee cloth/soft toy for the baby and I managed to get him a little bear for inside his hospital bed. His parents had a double bed in the room, and our son stayed too, in between I think Uni and work. I do know that I kept up snack and drinks supplies to the new parents.

And then they came home. I was invited to take photos of their arrival home. Luckily it was school holidays but knowing me, I would have taken the day off.

Firsts.

In 2007 we remembered these firsts:

  • first Mother’s Day without Mum
  • first time I worked in an adult English as a Second Language setting
  • first time I learned our son and his then partner were having a child
  • first time Dad spent Christmas with us, and without Mum
  • first car I owned which would be the one I helped with being a regular carer of  grandchildren because: 7 seater. Lots of room for carseats to fit “all” sizes.
  • first time our family spent time together at my parents’ house but without Mum’s presence
  • first time I held a baby boy who is the son of my son
  • first time I knew that I wanted to have time to teach for only 2-3 days a week…because:
  • in 2008 I would, for the first time, be caring for a young grandson when his Mum went back to work, and Dad too, along with Uni for up to 3 days a week.

That’s a wrap for a big year. So big it was written in two parts.

Thank you for reading…and commenting too.

Denyse.

Linking up here with Leanne and friends on Thursdays.

 

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Comments

  1. I love this continuation of your story Denyse, although sad, there were joyous times too. I especially like the idea of your dad writing letters to your mum after every family event, that brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing so honestly and openly. It’s a privilege to read.

    • Thanks so much Debbie. Dad and I had a chuckle yesterday when I told him I had published these two parts because he clearly remembers Mum saying “getting married?” when she heard of her grandson’s and partner’s news re baby. Even close to death, still ‘trying to sort it out!”. I think she was told “yes” too. And that did occur but quite some years later…

      Denyse.

  2. So many firsts – even among the endings. I know I’ve said it before, but what you’re sharing here is so valuable for your family.

  3. Such a lovely reflection. I’m enjoying the book of Denyse. I can’t imagine losing my mum. I’m going to have to deal with it one day, but it’s going to be bloody hard. xoxo

    • Thank you so much Leanne. It was quite confronting when we watched Mum go in and out of consciousness. I remember knowing that hearing is the last sense to go as death nears but with Mum being deaf we did wonder. However, I know I was able to comfort her in small ways.

      I miss some aspects of my relationship with her and often ‘call on her’ via using recipes I know she did well.

      Denyse.

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