The Big C and Me. 15/2019.
It’s time to share more about me and the Big C.
Yes, it’s about C for…..
CONFIDENCE!
(ha! not the other big C for cancer)
I think I give an outward show of being confident. It is not really a fake it till I make it confidence either.
- Kirsty & I met…after 2 years of trying!
- By the water again
- This man taught me lots and still does and is my Best Friend
It is about self-confidence in selected settings.
- I am confident about my school life and teaching days and enjoy sharing the stories from then.
- I love this part of me that can share now. I know there were days in education that were not always great (yes, my emotional health took a beating in 2002) but I have grown so much as a person and learner since then.
- I am getting more confident of how I am managing my self-care in regards to less anxiety that plagued me for the years of my transition into retirement.
- What good news that is! It was horrible for me with IBS thrown into the mix and I have done so well taking on board exposure therapy and a small medication routine.
- I am less than confident in my belief about how well I am going in terms of my mental outlook since my cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments and surgeries.
- What is the evidence each day? None, really. It just happens sometimes.
- I remain under-confident about my changed appearance a.k.a. my body’s change from very overweight to ‘almost normal weight’ and then back to a slightly ‘overweight’ status.
- Am I taking steps to understand this huge shift and learning as I go? Yes. Every day.
- I am still not as confident as I think I need to be to take on a continuing role in educating others about Head and Neck cancer because I am sensing judgment of others. I do know that I call upon courage to help me through even I have doubts.
- Do I have evidence? Not really.
WHY?
I am who I am.
I am the product of a childhood and teen years spent in a dominant paternal household. I was told what to do. I may not always have done it but the memory of “other people’s words” being my measure for self remain.
I am able to give myself a ‘good talking to’ at times and can turn this matter of lack of self-confidence around.
But it takes energy and time AND motivation. I do not always have these on hand together and so there are days when my lack of self-confidence AND worth impact me more.
I am learning more in terms of self-compassion and how each of us is connected via shared humanity.
AM I FOOLING ANYONE?
Possibly but what of it?
- I am on Instagram each day keeping myself accountable for dressing with purpose and going out somewhere for coffee.
- This does help me ramp up some of my confidence in just doing so. I am not reliant on the comments as much any more because I know the effort I put in makes the outcome worth it.
- But then when I have kind followers write comments of “congratulations, kindness and cheering me on” I do appreciate this a lot but also that inner critic rises up and adds her voice “would they say that if they really knew me?”
- Lies. I do not tell them as far as I am aware but it seems maybe I am believing them from this inner critic. Who? Moi?
WHAT NOW?
Onward.
I know that putting these words here has helped me see that it’s my faulty thinking that has been affecting my self-confidence.
OK! How to change that?
- Already I have in some ways as I now recognise this inner critic voice and her role.
- My actions, my words and my inner life help me remember MUCH more about the confidence I like to have and know I can bring more to the fore.
- Each time I dress and go out for coffee, I am embedding self-confidence.
- My daily journal keeping can continue to be a ‘write it all down’ place and then review for evidence of this confidence tracking upwards not the downwards the inner critic can believe.
- My on-line interactions with people from my various communities in education, blogging and head and neck cancer are ways in which I grow my self-confidence and also give back to others where I can and it is asked for.
- Seeing myself as others do and may. It helps to believe that I am both good and doing good. This is something I have struggled with all of my life and want it to change. I can do this. I will remind myself more.
- Maintaining practices of:
- being in nature,
- time-outs with my art journal,
- chats with my husband, meditation each night,
- helping my physical body to relax,
- exercising within my limitations,
- planning to eat well and doing the same without any deprivation,
- cancer checks and better understanding of the fact that cancer actually never leaves but might take a back seat in my life,
- taking time to make contact with family and friends,
- exploring the local area’s beauty,
- browsing at the shops,
- reading,
- keeping to a timetable of sorts each day for balance in my life.
Already I feel better!
Thanks for reading.
Do you have an issue with the Big C?
Denyse.
- Stories Shared
- Health & Mindfulness
Joining with my blogging friends here:
Min on Tuesdays here for #ZenTipsTuesday
Sue & Leanne on Wednesdays here for #MidlifeShareTheLove
Leanne & Crew on Thursdays here for #LovinLife
I Want. 33/51 #LifeThisWeek. 66/2020.
I Want. 33/51 #LifeThisWeek. 66/2020.
Last week I wrote this post: Why Did I Start A Blog?
Today I conclude the ‘Why I Blog” series with ‘I Want’ because that is essentially the ‘why’ of blogging for me.
I want:
It’s been a very big learning curve to be a blogger.
I say that because, for me, it was quite foreign to my world of work in education. Yet, as determined person who does not eschew hard work, I did my best to blog for what I had found was my way:
Conversational
Informational – based on experience
Photo-centred
Stories shared
Difficult Topics Which May Be Helpful
Creativity and Art
Health & Mindfulness
After a huge move (literally) in our lives, from Sydney to the Central Coast at the beginning of 2015 I set myself a goal. To keep me focussed on “doing this one thing EVERY day”…. I wrote a blog post Every.Single.Day. of 2015. No-one read the posts bar me, until, I re-visited the best way to connect more broadly and that was:
L I N K U P S.
Hosted by fellow bloggers.
Yay for that. I linked up posts for some time on the Annoyed Thyroid’s link up each weekend , Kylie Purtell’s on a Tuesday and Kirsty Russell on a Monday. Great news! I was meeting up with old friends and new. Right into 2016 and I continued…slightly decreasing my posts and relieved to do so.
I found I needed a good refresher of how this blog looked and made contact with an old Sydney friend, Tanya, who enriched the look and settings of the blog already set by my techie guy and that meant 2016 was even better. I made a commitment to blog almost every day under these topics:
I was having a good time, connecting and meeting new bloggers. Lots had just started blogging, others had left and there was talk of a linky being retired and I asked if I could, perhaps, with permission take over the Mondays with Life This Week. I got a lovely approval from my friend and in September this LINK UP kicked off….and is now #202!
I was also delighted to know there were link ups happening here (co-hosted) on Wednesdays (sadly for me, this one is finishing up soon) and here on Thursdays. Thank you for your link ups! They are great places of connection.
I Want: to write my memoir.
I had been postponing the idea of writing a memoir of my life until a friend and blogger encouraged me to try writing the chapters in blog-type posts. I did this. Here is the first one. I was not to know it would be a while before the next one!!
I Want: to share awareness of head and neck cancer.
Those who have been here since then and before will know that things changed very fast for my life and priorities when I got a head and neck cancer diagnosis in May 2017. I did think long and hard before pressing publish on this but the love and support which came back to me proved why I love to blog and love my community. The post is here.
I Want: to promote and encourage education- self and others always.
I also told the story of how I like to learn…this was because as a life-long educator I was placed in the role of student at an adult crochet class and because of how poorly my needs were understood I never went back!
I Want: to feel well within myself and portray that confidently.
As an anti-dote to cancer treatments and letting myself be positively impact each day, I began a daily routine some 4 months into my cancer and started to ‘dress with purpose’. This became a photo on instagram each day…and then over time one big boost to my self-confidence when I had no upper teeth and was still in cancer-treatment mode. Here’s what this was about.
I Want: to have women share their stories of courage.
From May 2019 I introduced a series to the blog for women I invited (or who self-invited) to share their stories: answering 5 questions. This series, Women of Courage continues….I am so pleased this has been a success. Many women have told me what it meant to share.
I Want: to show my appreciation to you, my readers, bloggers and friends. Some even joined me for my 70th birthday morning tea late in 2019. Many of you I may never met but already feel you are good friends. This blogging business is a great way for me, a relatively isolated retiree, to connect.
I Want: to continue blogging. Writing a post up to 2 times a week is good for my health and for my connections. Over time, I expect with fewer Women of Courage stories, my Wednesday posts will be a way to make some changes of direction if that’s what I choose.
This Is Why I Blog!
Thank you all. You have made a difference in my life.
Denyse.
Link Up #202
Life This Week. Link Up #202
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