Friday 10th July 2020

Archives for April 2020

Women Of Courage Series.#37 Kathy. 35/2020.

Women Of Courage Series.#37 Kathy. 35/2020.

 

A series of blog posts on Denyse Whelan Blogs to be found here from mid-May 2019: Wednesdays: each week until the series concludes in 2020.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda.

As bloggers Kathy and I have connected on-line but  have not met, and I do know the part of the world in New South Wales where Kathy and her husband have made home in retirement. As a child I remember one lovely family  vacation in that very town. Kathy, who is 62,  recounts some of her day via great photos taken on her walks. Thank goodness, even in COVID-19 restrictions,  walking for exercise is allowed! I hope you enjoy learning more about  Kathy as I did when she shares her story now as a Woman of Courage.

 

 

What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?

6 years ago my husband came home from work one day and asked me the question “would I be prepared to toss in my job and travel around Australia in a caravan for a year?” At that time in my life I had only commenced my blog, was working as a part-time bookkeeper and had recently become an empty nester. I must admit I was in a big rut and I wasn’t happy with my life.

Particularly since I lost friendships because of my blog (which is another story entirely).

Although I immediately said yes, I started having doubts about this lifestyle change as it meant giving up so much. I did have to be courageous and take it head on. Spending a year away from my family and friends was going to be challenging. I also wasn’t certain of whether I’d get a job when I returned after 12 months. There were many issues to consider.

 

How did this change you in any way? Please outline further if this has been the case.

Being away from home changed me dramatically. I learnt to enjoy my own company and reconnected with my husband.

Plus I discovered the new hobby of photography as I captured the beauty of Australia as we travelled around. It impacted on what I wrote on my blog that slowly transformed into a journal of our travels.

I became a much more content person and no longer sought approval from friends or the need to compete.

Being removed from the life I once had made me realise that I wasn’t being true to myself. I rediscovered my true self as she had been lost a long time ago.

 

Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage?

I learnt that the simple things in life are definitely better.

Being out amongst nature I was surrounded by quietness and stillness and I found it to be very therapeutic.

Prior to taking this trip I was seeing a Counsellor who was helping me through a difficult period of my life, but escaping like this was the best therapy ever.

I would recommend that changing your life situation can help alleviate many of your problems.

Even small changes can make a difference, like changing jobs, moving house, finding a new hobby or interest, or removing yourself from toxic friendships.

 

Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why is that?

I’m a hell of a lot more courageous and strong as a consequence.

I don’t feel that I need the approval of other people and that I can be my own person.

I actually enjoy my own company and now see the shallowness in constantly trying to keep up with other peoples’ expectations.

 

 

Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

Just be yourself.

You’re the only one that knows yourself best.

Go with your gut instinct and remain focused on making changes that will improve your life and wellbeing.

Don’t listen to the naysayers! If you really want something go out there and get it!

 

Do add anything else that you think would help others who read your post.

I while ago I wrote this blog about “Making The Most Of Your Life in Your 50s”. It’s very relevant to this interview. https://www.50shadesofage.com/2016/09/07/making-the-most-of-your-life-in-your-fifties/

 

Thank you so much Kathy for sharing that very important and life-changing story in response to the questions here. Your social media pages below are added for readers and bloggers who would like to know more and follow you too.

Denyse.

Social Media:

Blog/Website:  https://www.50shadesofage.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/50shadesofage

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/50shadesofagecom/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/50shadesofage/

 

Joining each Wednesday with Sue and Leanne here for Mid Life Share the Love Linky.

On Thursdays I link here for Lovin Life with Leanne and friends.

Copyright © 2020 denysewhelan.com.au – All rights reserved.

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Life Stories #1. On Being A Grandmother. Pt1.17/51 #LifeThisWeek. 34/2020.

Life Stories #1. On Being a Grandmother. Pt 1.17/51 #LifeThisWeek. 34/2020.

On Being a Grandmother. Part One.

Recently in Australia, a book was published and both Debbie Harris from here and I were taken by its contents and messages about “being a grandmother”.

Debbie’s post is found here. 

GRANDMOTHERS: ESSAYS BY 21ST-CENTURY GRANDMOTHERS

Helen Elliott

PaperBack

March 31, 2020

An anthology of essays by twenty-four Australian women, edited by Helen Elliott, about the many aspects of being a grandmother in the 21st century. It seems so different from the experience we had of our grandmothers. Although perhaps the human essential, love, hasn’t shifted much? In thoughtful, provoking, uncompromising writing, a broad range of women reflect on vastly diverse experiences. This period of a woman’s life, a continuation and culmination, is as defining as any other and the words ‘grand’ and ‘mother’ rearrange and realign themselves into bright focus.

The contributors- Stephanie Alexander, Maggie Beer, Judith Brett, Jane Caro, Elizabeth Cheung, Cresside Collette, Ali Cobby Eckermann, Helen Garner, Anastasia Gonis, Glenda Guest, Katherine Hattam, Celestine Hitiura Vaite, Yvette Holt, Cheryl Kernot, Ramona Koval, Alison Lester, Joan London, Jenny Macklin, Auntie Daphnie Milward, Mona Mobarek, Carol Raye and Gillian Triggs.

We ‘chatted’ on-line as bloggers do and both thought, what about a post or two on this topic. Knowing not everyone who blogs is not a grandmother/parent nor has the experience to draw on, we set out to go like this…publish in Life This Week under #Life Stories #1 and then in a few more weeks, #Life Stories #2.

This first post is based on  a series of questions devised by Denyse Whelan, in conjunction with Debbie Harris, to be the start of a blog post about

Being a Grandmother.

THIS image captures all 8 of our grandchildren so beautifully. Photographed by our daughter, in conjunction with our son to be my 70th Birthday gift as an album. 2019. The first grandchild is in the white dress.

 

The First Experience of Becoming a Grandmother.

 

What do you remember about your grandmother(s)?

I had a loving but strict maternal grandmother, Nanny, and I was the first grandchild. I was loved and cared for but when she became incapacitated by a stroke which eventually claimed her life in 1957, her husband, my “Papa” tended to be the one who spoiled me as life went on.

My paternal grandmother, Gran, was a formidable, strict and somewhat sad grandmother. This was, as we tend to think now, as a result of her becoming a widow in 1935 and raising 4 children (my Dad was 11) alone, other than help from her mother who had come from England to give the family a secure house to live in. Gran would at times, share some of her ‘life stories’ with me as a teen as I asked more questions about her life in England then as a War Bride post WW1 but most times, she would sink back into nostalgia and sadness.

 

What struck you initially about the news you were going to be a grandmother for the first time?

How happy I was…because, the news came in a year that was plagued with money worries,  health fears and more….so this news was the B E S T.

It was, however, not greeted as universally ‘happy’ as we, in a business that we owned, were not doing well at all and I admit my husband’s reactions did not mirror mine for good reason. Very concerned with what else was happening at the time.

We found out in about April, May and the child was due late December. By then, we had liquidated the business and we were very much on the ‘back foot’ with what would be happening to us, house and income-wise (I was still employed) so I did have to “calm” myself. However, big distraction for me and will always remember the time like that. 

 

Did you make any choices/decisions about being a grandmother when you found out this was going to happen?

I recall, being young…at what would be 47 when I became a grandmother but I did not let that phase me. I remember feeling the delight and angst and all the in between feelings because “I” had given birth but my daughter had not..yet. I was, I am pretty sure, deciding to be the most helpful grandmother I could be to allow the parents to ‘parent their child’ in the ways they wanted to and planned. This is always good in theory. Practice not so much initially. See further on.

 

And, in your case, was the news from your son or your daughter?

The news was from our daughter and eventually her husband. 

 

How did you find out?

THIS is a good story! My daughter had been married for just on two years and in that time had completed her Uni degree and was a trained K-6 teacher. She sought casual work and was soon snapped up by the school where I was Deputy Principal. I was not part of her ‘getting the job’ as I wanted (as did she) for this to be the school’s choice. 

She was part of a large group of relatively young female teachers and I, the D.P. was given the role of sharing the news that there had been a case of Rubella in the student population. This was something I passed on privately to each teacher as applicable, including our daughter.

At Recess that day, she came to my office door and asked for a private chat. Closing the door, she shared that “I think I am pregnant.”

Oh. Wow. My goodness, what a way to find out and yes, I was excited but of course tempered by the news of her vulnerability at this stage. The NSW Health Dept advice, which I shared with her, was to go to your doctor and tell him/her. That afternoon she did. The pregnancy was confirmed and she did some blood test for anti-bodies. I can’t quite remember the result but she had Rubella as a child, so was deemed, as best it could be proven, to be OK.

Again. Wow. I remember telling my husband of the news and he did not share my intense enthusiasm but not because of that….he was managing a very tricky time in his business and work life.

Nevertheless, I hugged my secret until our daughter and then son-in-law shared the news with family and friends.

And, recently. Love you J.R.

Were there any conditions/limitations set by the parents-to-be for you, the new grandmother in the making?

I cannot recall but I remember being able to share some of my excitement with them and the extended family which included my son-in-law’s parents and my parents and my husband’s parents. This child would be the first great-grandchild too. I also tried ‘not to overdo’ my enthusiasm as I did not want to over-shadow the parents at any time.

I did, for my sake, and to honour  the future grandchild (our first one, and that of my son-in-law) start a grandmother’s memory book. Oh my goodness, I did have some fun and I admit, the scrapbooking and photography as a journal  probably started then as I added newspaper clippings too. At age 5, this BIG book, was finished ( I remember crying that it was done…as she was off to school!) and eventually it was handed over to my granddaughter some years after. I did keep it at our house for years as she enjoyed looking at it too.

It was not until she was quite a few months old, that I was told by my daughter to reduce my ‘oversight’ of their child..as “I am her mother”.

Lesson learned…Big time. Not always remembered but I took it all on board.

 

Did/does the ‘role’ work its way out for all?

The role as the grandchild grew changed as she did. However, even now, we have a close and loving bond without being ‘in each others’ pockets’. I am so proud to be her Grandma always. But as I said above, I did need to take more of a back seat. 

About My Name.

My parents were known by their first names – their choice – by their grandkids. I wanted a traditional grandmother’s name and I chose Grandma. I spoke to my son-in-law’s Mum and she was happy to be Granny. Sorted! My name did change a bit over the years as the first G.D. started to speak. I have been known as: “Gummy” “Brandma” “Grandma” and “G-Ma”. All fine!

Are/were there hiccups?

Like any relationship there are ups and downs but thanks to wisdom gleaned over time by me observing others and of course, remembering “I am not her mother” and that I also got to drop this child back home after caring for her. A completely different way of child-care…. all fun, some responsibility but not 100%.

Share the highlights of the birth and after of your first grandchild.

For the last month or so before the baby’s due date of close to Christmas Day my daughter developed some symptoms which meant she had to leave her teaching role early, get advice from her obstetrician and continue to see him. In that time, I was also on  leave as I had a whiplash injury from a rear-end car accident on my way to work…thank goodness for work cover paying my salary back in those days.

Whilst we had never really talked about when my daughter would return to teaching in detail, I was already planning a grandchild care package at home! This came about with little or no expense when our next door neighbour donated all of the young girl’s bedding, cot and so on to us. My parents had always had room for our children to stay over for holidays and weekends and we (ok, mostly me!) wanted to do similarly. And yes, my husband did eventually come around to it all.

But she (we never knew the sex) was yet to arrive!

My daughter had 2 or 3 visits to labour ward at the San for testing for ‘leaks’ and was told, no you are OK on most occasions until very close to Christmas. It was a Saturday evening, my son-in-law was at a band gig on the other side of Sydney, and I went to their house to get takeaway tea and keep my daughter company. She told me on arrival, I am still leaking….and rang labour ward (again!) and they said “come in.” We grabbed the food first and I am pretty sure she drove us to the San. Up we went (with hospital bag this time) and after the check and a call to her doctor, she was admitted.

Rightio.

Mobile phones were ‘in’ but in their early days but we managed to let her husband know and then, from memory, I took their car home and collected mine and waited. The next day, a very hot Sunday in December, labour was kind of happening….and I was asked to bring some things over to her. I did.

THIS was when I knew I could not be a help at all. I saw her husband helping gently and she was doing all she had to…and I could not help. At all. So, I quietly took my leave and we waited….until much later on Sunday night. We got a call that labour was in progress fully and could we please bring her husband a Coke…caffeine and sugar needed!! We laugh now, but when presented with what my husband found at home: a diet Pepsi, it was not going to do the trick!

We came home…settled into bed, to see Sunday turn into Monday AND……

12.13 a.m. You have a granddaughter and her name is J.R.

Stunned and stoked and all those words, I “think” we slept and the next morning I was off to buy all things pink and more….

Meeting J.R. 

I entered the single room where my daughter and granddaughter were. My son-in-law had to be at work on the busy pre-Christmas retail day. I looked at this dark haired child in a crib…and thought “how did you arrive to be in our family?”. Both of our kids had been blonde/bald!

After that, it was chatting with my daughter who was still in that post-birth shock and she shared how it all happened rather fast after a ‘threat’ from the Obstetrician about a ‘caesar or forceps’…I eventually took my leave…and went to the shops! This baby girl had arrived 2 days before Christmas and no way was Santa not going to visit.

When I returned the next day with Santa bag and little tree, it meant Christmas was going to happen for the birthday baby.

What, if any, were any ‘lowlights?’

Interestingly the lowlights were in some way related to my disappointment in how many people “turned up” to visit the new Mum and baby…the room was chockers….and people just wanted to chat…with each other and my daughter. I was glad to see what was happening, and as most took their leave, and J.R. was crying, I asked the last couple to please leave…and they did. I think first night after birth should be up to the parents who comes…and I know now this is better managed.

Our wee GD with dark hair.

Special Memories of the First Weeks.

The hospital allowed our daughter and husband home to our place for Christmas lunch and they ‘minded’ J.R. in the nursery. They went back in the afternoon and we visited in the evening to allow the parents to go for a walk and we got to do our first ‘babysitting.’

I made J.R. a little cardigan. I am so NOT a knitter but was determined to “make my first grandchild” something. She wore it home. Lovely. Then it became a cardi for her bear I think!

The new family joined us for the first evening meal at our place and we got to go on a walk around the park. My neighbour over the road offered me a free ticket to a show in the city and I turned it down because “first meal” at our place.

On Australia Day, when she was just one month, we hosted a Welcome To Your Family event with the extended family and it was lovely. No christening etc. Just this.

Then, just after this, my daughter got a phone call from the principal at the school where we both worked, offering her full-time teaching, starting the next week. She accepted after he was fine for me to take part-time leave 3 days a week. Her Granny would drive down from the Central Coast to do the other 2 days and so began a long, tiring, rewarding, learning, and loving experience of “Grandparent Care At Home”: for 6 months!

 

There will be another post in the series in June. I will share the questions then too as Debbie and I devised. If you too are a grandmother it may be something you would like to share.

Thank you for reading…It ended up being a longer post than I thought.

Biggest thanks to J.R. for being the subject…the first…the only…one who could get away with calling me “Gummy” and I would answer to it!

This captures her so much too…totally biased Grandma!

Denyse.

Link Up #186.

Life This Week. Link Up #186.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in.

* Please add just ONE post each week! NOT a link-up series of posts, thank you.

* Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not.

* Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do!

* Check out what others are up to: Leave a comment on a few posts, because we all love our comments, right!

* Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere, or on your sidebar or let others know somewhere you are linking up to this blog’s Life This Week.

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* THANK you for linking up today!

Next Week’s weekly optional prompt is: 18/51 Taking Stock #2 4.5.2020

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Click here to enter


 

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COVID-19 Test Experience For Me. 33.1/2020.

COVID-19 Test Experience For Me. 33.1/2020.

It sure is a topical “event” around the world and now I am outlining my recent experience as a potential* COVID19 patient.

*no spoiler alert: the good news before you read any further is that I tested NEGATIVE and that’s great.

Friday 24 April 2020.

Morning

I woke with a sore throat that is not unusual for me to have.

I knew I had been a bit ‘hayfever-ish’ the day before as my eyes were a bit runny and when I saw my G.P. on Wednesday before, he thought it was an allergy type of thing with my eyes and use the drops I have.

I was determined to visit the beach for a walk as the weather was (still is!) amazing and felt up for it. Despite bit of a sore throat.

Loved my walk and on way back home bought some betadine throat gargle in case it worsened. I know it is not always helpful but I felt better for having it.

Afternoon.

Later in the afternoon as I was doing some art, I noticed that I felt a bit warmer than normal and so, took my temperature. It was over what is normal for me. It was then I recalled the earlier messages from the N.S.W. Premier and N.S.W. Health about getting a COVID-19 test even with the mildest of symptoms.

So after briefly chatting with my husband about doing this, I first called our G.P. I thought there was a protocol for testing. I wanted to be sure. It turns out, I could have (and did) call the Health Hotline: 1800 022 222 where that person entering my details and symptoms said “go get the test”. There is also a National Coronavirus Health Information Hotline 1800 020 080

Before rocking up to Wyong Hospital’s COVID-19 Centre, I rang first: 4394 9200 and they said come on down now and by 4.15 p.m. there I was.

I admit to a wee bit of trepidation knowing once I had started this information sharing…and agreeing to the testing I would now be part of the system and information shared between health professionals but I also had a better feeling that I needed to find out.

The hospital is literally up the road from us and the signage made it easy to find the clinic.

Here’s what happened next:

  • Waited outside the door until it was opened by a person fully covered in what I now know is par for health and safety of personnel: gown, gloves, mask
  • I was asked to clean my hands with sanitiser
  • I was given a mask to put on
  • The nurse then took my temperature (which has reverted to normal of course) and my pulse
  • I was asked a series of questions about risks/exposure: all of which were a negative from me
  • Then I was directed to person behind a screen who completed my contact details (which did need updating as Wyong Hospital community nursing staff were those who attended me at Gorokan after my cancer surgery in 2017)
  • Following that, I was given my plastic folder and asked to walk around the side of the room – a very large one, with arrows for directions and exit
  • I was greeted kindly (again, everyone was lovely and relaxed and helpful!) by a Registered Nurse who asked me to sit in a chair.
  • There were groups of chairs, all empty, set out in rows and columns with correct distancing between them.
  • The questions I was asked now were repeats of earlier ones (verifications) and then more including current health status and the only one I answered ‘yes’ to was about having cancer.
  • We chatted a bit about their day (it had been much busier than now where I was the only one) and about ‘back to school’ as she has one HS student
  • The test would be one taken from inside my nose reaching down to my throat and I mentioned the better nostril for me, post head and neck cancer reconstructions would be the left.
  • I was then asked to go to a partitioned room where another nurse greeted me in a kind and relaxed manner, indicating her preference for that nostril too as she was left-handed. Lefties unite I said.
  • Yes, the test is a tiny bit uncomfortable and it was over in a tick. No sneezing or tears…as an auto reaction, just “glad that’s done”.
  • I’d been given two sheets of information earlier and told, when I got home, to register for text results.
  • I was also told by the nurse earlier that as of now, I was to consider I have COVID19 and to self-isolate at home.
  • I followed the exit signs, clutching my 2 pieces of paper and drove home.

Self-Isolation At Home: Friday to Sunday 26 April.

This took a bit of a think on how to do it without impacting on my husband and me too much. Here’s what worked for us in a large house.

  • We literally stayed distant from each other physically.
  • We already have separate bedrooms
  • I have a space in the house where he does not enter and that is where my computer and art spaces are
  • The shared bathroom was now his, and I moved my things to the other bathroom. We use only one normally as who wants to clean 2?
  • In terms of food preparation and kitchen use, I wiped over every surface such as door and drawer handles etc then left the kitchen so my husband coulr get his dinner.
  • When he was done, I donned my disposable gloves and prepared my simple tea.
  • We sit in different rooms for TV and by 7.30 p.m. were back in our bedrooms.

The Next Day: A.N.Z.A.C. Day. More Self-Isolation. 

  • This became a repeat of the day before.
  • I also needed to have some time to think about how to manage this mindfully
  • Because of my cancer diagnosis (and long spells at home) and the recent weeks of staying home unless needing to go out for essential reasons I was able to come around to managing it well.
  • The small shopping needs we had we sought by my husband.
  • I did some art, I completed the blog post for tomorrow, I talked to Dad on the phone but did not mention this, I loved seeing the various way sA.N.Z.A.C. Day was commemorated in COVID-19 ways, and I went outside. I looked at nature and marvelled at my phone’s camera results….

Waiting for The Results.

I admit that waiting for this result was somewhat like waiting for cancer results so I guess I have had practice. However, I was hoping I would get the results before the Monday as we are hosting a visit from our granddaughter.

At the hospital I was told it could be anywhere from 3 days to 5 days. I understand erring on the longest possibilities.

I used the system from the NSW Health Pathology to receive my results by text and enrolled in that on the Friday evening.

I started feeling better from the sore throat as Saturday evening came and some of my tiredness had dissipated.

Nevertheless, until a negative result was received, I did have to act AS IF I was positive.

The Result: Sunday 26 April 2020.

Waking just after 8.00 a.m. I noticed a message on my phone.

It was from N.S.W. Health Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS Results Service.

Once I had located my unique pin, I received this:

Because none of those conditions applied to me, I was able to cease the self-isolation precautions.

I am not being anything other than grateful. I also know this COVID-19 can be anywhere and we all need to be vigilent.

But how amazing is the time between taking my test to receiving my result (it came in much earlier than I saw it) was: 36 hours. 

This is why I blogged about it.

To share my experience and to connect with anyone who may wish to know more.

I am sending my best wishes and appreciation to all who will continue to help those of us in the community taking risks of exposure as they work to help eradicate this virus.

I also send my best to those who will be returning to the unknown of schools and teaching in Term 2 in Australia and elsewhere.

This is just my experience, for my records too.

Have you been tested? How was the experience for you?

I do hope you are well.

Stay Safe.

Stay Well

Take Care.

Denyse.

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Women of Courage Series. #36. Anonymous. 33/2020.

Women of Courage Series. #36. Anonymous. 33/2020.

Trigger warning: Marital Breakdown, Psychological Harm, Mental Illness.

Woman of Courage #36  has chosen to be anonymous.

There will be no replies from this poster.

She will, however, be reading and I will be responding as I always do to readers’ comments.

Thank you for your understanding.

 

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda.

I do know the person who has chosen to be anonymous. She is in her early 40s.

I am in awe of her courage and was honoured when she decided to share this in this on-line space. Thank you. 

 

 

 

What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?

Late one night, when I was lying in bed beside my husband, I asked him if everything was okay.

He’d been acting strangely for a couple of days and I was becoming worried about him.

He sat up in bed and told me that no, everything was not okay.

He told me he didn’t love me and that he was having an affair.

Within 15 minutes of blindsiding me with this news, he left and never came back.

I spent the rest of that night vomiting and shaking from shock.

My parents were overseas and I didn’t want to wake my siblings.

I honestly did not know how I was going to make it through the night, act normal for the kids in the morning and drop them to school.

There had been no, I repeat, no indication that my husband was unhappy in our marriage.

All aspects of our marriage were normal.

We rarely fought.

I loved him with every inch of my being and from the words he’d told me and the cards he’d written me (even up to three months prior) made me believe he felt the same way.

We’d been together almost 20 years and I had thought we were the best of mates.

In those early days, I wouldn’t say I was courageous at all.

When I wasn’t catatonic, I was in survival mode.

I was simply going through the motions with the kids and trying to make sense of why and how my life was suddenly tipped upside down.

I leaned on my family and friends.

I sought professional help, got a lawyer and prepared to fight against someone, I realised that I didn’t even know.

Even though my husband was the one who had the affair and didn’t want to work on repairing our marriage, I was made out to be the ‘bad guy’.

It became clear that I was dealing with a narcissist and I was continually getting mentally beaten down.

My self-esteem was non-existent and I was torn apart, and still am, seeing my kids suffering.

In those moments when you feel like you just can’t go on anymore, you need to find courage.

You need to dig deep, otherwise hurt and pain and suffering will swallow you whole.

 

How did this change you in any way? Please outline further if this has been the case.

The breakdown of my marriage crushed me. I very nearly lost myself, but I have been clawing my way back.

I have become stronger than I ever thought possible – mentally and physically.

Sadly, I know my ‘fight’ is not yet over and my ex and I will have ongoing issues.

I am stronger than I was at the start though and can now stand up for myself and do what it takes to support my children.

I am more relaxed now with the kids.

As a (virtually) full-time single mother with a full-time job, I need to be kind to myself.

Who cares if they skip a shower or we have Uber Eats more than we probably should?

I’m doing what I can to get by.

I’m finding real moments of happiness again now and know that there’s more to life than my ex-husband.

 

Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage?

Sometimes you need to find courage from others.

Find your support network and lean on them.

Let them carry you for a little while until you are strong enough.

I also found journaling incredibly helpful and I sought professional help from a psychologist.

 

Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why is that?

Yes, I do feel that I’m able to be more courageous now.

I’m determined to live my life to the full and ensure my kids grow up in a happy and stable home.

I’ll be damned if I let anything get in the way of that.

 

Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

Again, lean on those around you. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Let people in and let them help you.

 

 

I so appreciate the thought and decision that went into this post from Anonymous.

Thank you for sharing this.

Denyse.

 

The following information may be helpful to you or another. These are Australian-based.

  • Your Family G.P. can be a helpful person to listen and make referrals.
  • Lifeline on 13 11 14
  • Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636
  • Phone 13 HEALTH (13 43 25 84) for 24 hour assessment, referral, advice, and hospital and community health centre contact details
  • Qualified Psychologists can be found by visiting https://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/
  • Australian Counselling Association is on 1300 784 333 to find a counsellor

 

 

Joining each Wednesday with Sue and Leanne here for Mid Life Share the Love Linky.

On Thursdays I link here for Lovin Life with Leanne and friends.

Copyright © 2020 denysewhelan.com.au – All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I Heard. 16/51 #LifeThisWeek. 32/2020.

I Heard. 16/51 #LifeThisWeek. 32/2020.

In this period around the world because of the pandemic known as COVID-19 much of what we, the citizens of Australia and so many other countries, can do has been taken from us….to:

  • keep us safe at home
  • keep us coronavirus-free
  • stop the spread of the virus
  • enable some control over the spread of the virus
  • and more, I am sure!

So, what does this have to do with what I heard?

I am writing about a snapshot day: Easter Sunday. There is not much to say I heard except this:

  • the noise emanating from the lawnmower as my husband mowed the back lawn
  • the noise the whipper snipper makes too
  • the sound coming from the Dyson stick vacuum as I did my share of the house cleaning
  • our conversations once we were together to and from our activities
  • my audiobook playing in the car, as I am listening to the last of Tom Hanks’ narration of the Dutch House
  • the oh-so quiet large shopping centre still playing some musak
  • the conversation I had with the person as I collected my book: The Dutch House (obsessed now!)
  • the quietness inside the Woolworths store as I quickly sourced what I needed….and then, WIN…the bonus purchase I had not expected
  • the somewhat ‘annoying’ overheard words between a couple as I attempted the 1.5m between us and they were choosing chocolate. Oh. It was Easter Sunday
  • from the open door to our backyard, I heard the noises of a person attempting some garden renovation. It sounded pretty big and busy
  • the talking, briefly, over a quick Facetime chat with our daughter and two of our grandkids
  • the whirring of the mixer as I decided the only way to beat COVID boredom was more to eat
  • the hum of the oven’s fan as it cooked the biscuits
  • the satisfying crunch of the biscuit and slurp of my cup of tea.
  • the music from Downtown Abbey as we watched a 20 minute segment of the Movie
  • the tip tap tapping as I write this.

I had not intended to go here: local Westfield but for click & collect I did. Hand sanitiser out at both Big W & Woolies.

Before we got ‘locked down’ I knew I would enjoy seeing something bright each day and here it is…on the back verandah.

The recipe is one of my late Mum’s.

Peanut Biscuits.

  • 125gm butter or marg. (I used butter, and slightly melted it first, sorry Mum!)
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1.5 cups SR flour (yes, I had some!)
  • 3/4 cup raw peanuts
  • I added a teaspoon of vanilla

(I threw in all the slightly salted peanuts I had left in packet…and I also doubled the recipe)

To make the chocolate version, I halved the double mix and added 2 tablespoons of cocoa.

Cream butter and sugar, add egg and beat well. Mixed in flour and peanuts .

It’s quite a wet mix so I used a spoon to drop amounts on a baking paper covered tray, the slightly flattened with a fork.

Cook in a fan forced oven at about 160-165C. Mum’s was in Fahrenheit 325-375.

I did keep an eye on the tray and turned them once, Probably took around 10-15 mins (everyone’s oven is different)

Cooled them on a rack and ate some for afternoon tea. As I doubled it, made at least 48 biscuits.

What have you heard lately?

Did you find Easter was very quiet where you were?

Are you missing being able to go where you want to?

Tell me in the comments!

Denyse.

And,  the next series of optional prompts is here and on the Home Page.

22/51 I Saw 1.6.2020

23/51 Life Stories #2. 8.6.2020

24/51 Kindness 15.6.2020

25/51 Share Your Snaps #5 22.6.2020

26/51 Best Time Of Day. 29.6.2020

27/51 Taking Stock #3 6.7.2020

28/51 Self-Care Stories. #4. 13.7.2020

29/51 Your Choice. (World Head & Neck Cancer Prompt for Me) 20.7.2020

30/51 Share Your Snaps #6 27.7.2020

 

Link Up #185.

Life This Week. Link Up #185.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in.

* Please add just ONE post each week! NOT a link-up series of posts, thank you.

* Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not.

* Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do!

* Check out what others are up to: Leave a comment on a few posts, because we all love our comments, right!

* Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere, or on your sidebar or let others know somewhere you are linking up to this blog’s Life This Week.

*Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog & the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. These may include promotions, advertorials and any that are overly religious or political or in any way offensive  in nature.

* THANK you for linking up today!

Next Week’s weekly optional prompt is: 17/51. Life. 27.4.2020.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter


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Women Of Courage Series. #35. Jennifer Jones. 31/2020.

Women Of Courage Series. #35. Jennifer Jones. 31/2020.

A series of blog posts on Denyse Whelan Blogs to be found here from mid-May 2019: Wednesdays: each week until the series concludes in 2020.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda.

Whilst Jennifer Jones and I have not met, we share some common interests. We are bloggers and we are women from the group over the age of 60 who continue to stretch ourselves by our internet connections. Jennifer is someone I admire for all she has continued to do and be in her life right now. Thank you, Jennifer..on with your story.

 

What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?

On 2nd November 1995, my life was changed when my eighteen year old son Craig, was killed in a car accident. In the car with him, was his friend Fiona, who at only fifteen years old, also lost her life. Craig was the middle child of three, with the eldest being 20, and the youngest 15 years old.

When Craig died, my daughter, Lisa, the youngest, was an exchange student in Japan. With just two months until she was due to return home, we had to make a quick decision, about whether she should come home for the funeral or not. I decided that she must come home for the funeral,for her future acceptance of her brother’s death, but that she must return to complete her year in Japan. I didn’t want her brother’s death to cause her any incompletion issues, in her future. Lisa came home for one week. It was a weird week. We were so sad, and yet, so happy to have Lisa at home.

It proved very difficult to get her home, and would have been easier to have her stay in Japan. On the day of the accident, she had moved to a new host family, and we were concerned about her getting the news from somebody she hadn’t yet had the chance to build a relationship with. Because we hadn’t as yet been given her new contact details, it took quite a few stressful hours to track her down. This was in the days before social media. It was also Melbourne Cup Weekend and getting a flight into Melbourne was almost impossible. Luckily, Rotary made sure that Lisa was well supported in Japan, and that she had a flight home.

I’m not sure that I was courageous at the time. When I think back, I was just doing what had to be done. But I have no doubt at all, that I have been very courageous in the face of the death of my son, in the years since.

 

How did this change you in any way? Please outline further if this has been the case.

Everything about me changed after this happened. This was the worst thing that had ever happened in my life. Up until then, I had lived a fairly pampered and incident free life. Immediately, I felt that I had  to handle the reactions, of the people around me. After Craig’s funeral, for some reason, my family, including his father, decided to never mention his name again.

At first I found this difficult to accept, and was constantly upset about it, until I decided that it was up to me how I was to live my life from now on. I didn’t want the death of Craig to define who I was. I was more than just the mother of a child who had died. As huge a part of me that it was, I was determined to live a life of happiness and fulfilment, going forward. But I came to realise very quickly that to do that, I would have to rely on myself.

These days, in my family, it is as if Craig never existed. This still hurts but it is one of the things I have had to forgive in order to live an exceptional life. To me, this is the best way that I can honour my son.

 

 

Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage?

I learnt that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be, that if I could survive this tragedy, then nothing in life could ever faze me. I became less reliant on others, as I realised that this was something I had to cope with alone. Even though my family and friends were also mourning Craig, there was nobody at all in the family, who really understood what I was going through.

At least, that’s the way I felt and I still do feel like that today.

I’m still quite resentful of some family members, however my strength and resilience have allowed me to put that resentment aside. I also discovered that I could choose to be happy. In the early days after Craig’s death I suffered constantly with feelings of grief and sadness. I realised that living a good life was going to be difficult with these thoughts.

I made the decision that I could choose to be happy and that wasn’t being disrespectful to my son. It also didn’t mean that I had forgotten him. Craig is in my thoughts constantly, every day, but I can now choose to be happy without forgetting the sadness.

The advice I would give to someone else in the same position would be to do what you need to do for your own self care, and disregard the expectations of others. Put yourself first and don’t let others tell you what is good for you or what you should do.

 

Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why is that? 

I am a much more resilient person now, and I would definitely be more courageous now or in the future. Since 1995, when Craig died, I have had many challenges thrown at me, and I’m pleased that I seem to be able to find a way to solve them or do what needs to be done.  If a similar tragedy were to happen today, I would not rely on the people around me the pull me through. I would not rely on the advice of others. I would have confidence in my decisions,

Eleven years after my son died, I had to show courage once again, when my 34 year marriage broke down unexpectedly.

I had no warning of this, and I am very proud of how I was able to show the strength to move on, and start a new life in a city where I knew nobody.

Since then, I have been in a few situations where I’ve needed to show courage. I don’t doubt myself any more, in fact, I’m quite proud that I’m able to recognise the problem and then make whatever plans are necessary to deal with that problem.

The death of my son, is the worst thing that  I have ever had to face. I know that my experience in coping with that, and the strength and resilience I have gained since, stand me in good stead if I find myself in such a dreadful situation again.

 

Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

All I would say to others facing a situation where courage is needed, is to be confident in yourself , and believe that you are capable of handling the situation. Also don’t put pressure on yourself to be a certain way, behave in a certain way or to think there is anything wrong with how you are feeling.

I do wish somebody had given me that advice.

The way I coped, was to spend time on the bike every day. Craig and I both had road bikes and we would sometimes go on training rides together. After he died, I felt the need to get on that bike everyday and ride my heart out. It may sound silly, but I can remember feeling that Craig was on my shoulder when I was riding. That was a hugely comforting feeling for me.

Try to find someone who truly understands what you are going through. People around you will think they understand, but they may not really understand your pain.

At the time of the accident I had never met the mother of the young girl who died with Craig. After a fearful first meeting, when each of us wasn’t sure how the other would react, we became close friends and still are to this day. We were able to support each other in the days following the accident, and we were there for each other in the days following the funeral when everyone went back to their lives. We don’t catch up often these days due to distance, but when we do, we pick up where we left off, and are able to have fun and laugh together and also talk about our children and cry on each others shoulder, whilst laughing about our fabulous memories of our beautiful children.

 

 

 

How anyone manages to come through life when challenges of unimagined tragedy occur as they did for Jennifer, tells me we have more inside us than we can ever imagine in which to learn, change and grow. Of course, NO person wants this example, ever but Jennifer has so eloquently and kindly shared what she has learned. I am in awe of her courage and appreciate her decision to write this story as a response to the questions.

Thank you Jennifer. For more about Jennifer and her reasons for blogging..please see the links below.

Denyse.

 

 

Social Media

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/jennifer.jones.3532507

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jenniferalisonjones/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Jennifer_Jones0

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com.au/JenniferAlJones/

Links to my blogs:

https://nextphaseinfitness.com.au/

https://bestbookishblog.com/

https://jonesfamilyhistory.wordpress.com/

Joining each Wednesday with Sue and Leanne here for Mid Life Share the Love Linky.

On Thursdays I link here for Lovin Life with Leanne and friends.

Copyright © 2020 denysewhelan.com.au – All rights reserved.

 

 

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Share Your Snaps #3. 15/51. #LifeThisWeek. A Love Story. 30/2020.

Share Your Snaps #3. 15/51. #LifeThisWeek. A Love Story. 30/2020.

In July 2018 I met the members of the Central Coast Head and Neck Cancer Support Group at the first Soup for the Soul event in Gosford Hospital’s Central Coast Cancer Centre. That day was the first time I met other people who had been diagnosed with a head and neck cancer. I was “still” toothless but was made very welcome. Interesting isn’t it that it took me a year to get out to meet anyone at all in a setting like this. My surgeries and treatments for my head and neck cancer were all in Sydney. I had no idea of what support there was where I was now living until that month, close to World Head and Neck Cancer Day 2018, when I was invited by Lisa Shailer the Nurse who oversees and assists all head and neck (and lung)cancer patients who receive diagnosis and treatments at the centre to attend. I met many of the members, and it was good to share our stories where we could.

The couple I will now introduce, with what I have named  ‘A Love  Story’ are Stuart and Jill.

Stuart shares the story now after some questions for this post. Thank you Stuart and Jill for sharing.

We are Stuart and Jillian (Jill) Garfatth.  We have been  living in the Central Coast town of Toukley for the last 6 1/2 years.

 

How did head and neck cancer affect your lives?

The cancer had a very significant effect on both of us, of course, more so Jill than I.   It has completely changed our outlook on our lives, we realise how incredibly lucky we are to be living in Australia,  particularly the Central coast, because the treatment Jill was able to have has left us in no doubt that it is the best in the Western world, both medically and the people who cared for Jill in her time of need, of course the financial cost was virtually nil, which was a great help in eliminating that particular stressful component of treatment. We both have a vastly different outlook on life, we do things that we normally would not do,  get out and about, travel internationally much more than we normally do, and enjoy every minute of it!

 

 

How long have you both been members of the Central Coast Head and Neck Cancer group?

We have been members of the Central Coast Head and Neck Cancer group since August 2015, and it has benefited both of us a great deal, particularly the knowledge that we are not alone is a major factor of our membership of the group.

 

 

Do you have any particular stories to tell from your involvement there?

We don’t have any particular stories as such, but we always look forward to the meetings, gaining and sharing information about a great range of subject matter pertaining to Jill’s and everybody’s treatment and experiences. Of particular note presentations by people who are at the ‘coalface’ of research and treatments, they just reinforce the value of on-going research regarding advances in cancer treatment, very heartening indeed!

 

 

There is a story about your motorbike, and why it is special, can you share more?

Yes, there’s a bit of a story about my Sterling Autocycle motorbike. In April 2016, my twin brother rang me and suggested I get on the internet and have a look at a rather unique motorcycle, built to order by The Black Douglas Motorcycle Co. in their workshop in Melzo, just south of Milan, Italy. The company is registered in the U.K. but each bike is hand made, taking about 200 hours per bike, and no two are exactly alike, given differences in overall colour and applied finishes, like pinstriping, and other materials used in their construction.
I told my brother that I thought they were rather nice, and certainly ‘different’ to what is being mass produced by the very large manufacturers, but I could not see me buying one as they were a little ‘pricey’, and I didn’t see a need for me to have one. He replied, “Well, I’m buying two, one with a 230cc motor, and the other with a 125cc motor, and you can have the smaller one”.
“WHAT!, you’re paying for both?!,  I was stunned to put it lightly. Well, after getting over the surprise, I contacted the company founder, Fabio Cardoni, and set the wheels in motion to import the first two Sterlings into Australia.

Can you share more please…I know there IS more! 

As my brother is not on the internet, everything fell to me about liaising with all the relevant Authorities, both in Australia and Italy, little did I know what was to come!. Our greatest stroke of luck came about when I contacted the owner of Ballina Motorcycles, Joe Fisher, who has over 44 years experience in the industry,  he proved to be fundamental to the successful outcome, that took 3 years to bear fruit, and have our bikes registered to ride in Australia, his tenacity and unflagging determination, despite some very serious setbacks, was incredible, but for his efforts, our two bikes would never have been imported and registered here, his honesty and dedication to the task was incredible to see, we cannot thank him enough.

There is a down side to the whole saga though.  Our bikes landed  Australia June, 2016, and after a minor delay, we took delivery and put them into Joe Fishers hands, and he started what turned out to be a 2 year process of getting them legal for road use, and boy, what a story that was! Then towards the end of November 2016, the company ceased trading, it was bankrupted by some new owners who thought they could do better than its founder, Fabio Cardoni, so our two Sterlings are now the only two in Australia, and ever will be.

 

 

Please tell more about how the ribbon for Head and Neck Cancer (named for Jill) came about.

The head and neck cancer ribbon I have put on at the front of each side of the petrol tank came about when I soon realised that when the bike was out in public, it attracted a lot of attention,  many many photographs  taken, many questions are asked,  I was even videoed  once whilst riding, so this got me thinking.  I had the ribbon professionally designed and applied, so that whenever an image of the bike was taken, and published, particularly on the internet, the public profile and awareness of head and neck cancer could grow, which it has, as the image has been seen in the U.K., Europe, North America and Canada.

 

 

What else would you both like to add to this love story?

I had Jill’s name applied within the ribbon for two reasons. One, the bike is unique and very pleasing to the eye, and two, so is Jill!

As my bike is the only one on this planet with such unique livery, and Jill is the only Jill also on this planet, I felt it fitting that I should pay my homage to Her by naming my Sterling after her, and ever it will be.

 

Thank you Stuart and Jill for sharing the story of love, as I named it. I know you won’t argue there. I trust that there are many more days to come, sharing the bike, its story and the head and neck cancer ribbon…once we get through the challenges our country is in now thanks to the COVID19 pandemic.

This was a Share Your Snaps with a difference, and I am glad I saved the photos and story till Easter. We all need a lift in spirits I think and with this story I know I was smiling as I compiled it.

To Love…and Stuart and Jill.

 

Denyse.

In writing here,  partly in my role as a Community Ambassador for Beyond Five, the organisation which helps raise awareness of head and neck cancer which is Australia’s 7th highest, I acknowledge Stuart and Jill are also raising awareness with their bike and meeting attendance at the Central Coast Head and Neck Cancer Support Group. Coming up in July, it’s unlikely there will be a Soup for The Soul at the Cancer Centre as in 2018-2019 – sorry Stuart, who enjoys serving the soups with Jill and sampling them too, so it’s vital we continue as individuals and groups to share the knowledge we have about our head and neck cancer stories.

 

 

Life This Week. #184.

Life This Week. Link Up #184.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in.

* Please add just ONE post each week! NOT a link-up series of posts, thank you.

* Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not.

* Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do!

* Check out what others are up to: Leave a comment on a few posts, because we all love our comments, right!

* Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere, or on your sidebar or let others know somewhere you are linking up to this blog’s Life This Week.

*Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog & the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. These may include promotions, advertorials and any that are overly religious or political or in any way offensive  in nature.

* THANK you for linking up today!

Next Week’s weekly optional prompt is: 16/51 I Heard 20.4.2020

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Will You Share Your Woman of Courage Story? 29/2020.

Will You Share Your Woman of Courage Story? 29/2020.

 

 

A series of blog posts on Denyse Whelan Blogs to be found here from mid-May 2019: Wednesdays: most weeks.

Here is the introduction to the series.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or grief. It’s doing something that frightens you. We face situations that demand courage every day. These situations provide us with choices, and the way we respond to those choices determines our future. Dayne Shuda.

 

The ‘why’ behind my decision to begin inviting women to share their stories of courage.

In April 2019 I attended Newcastle Writers’ Festival and got to hear, amongst others, Author and Public Education Advocate, Jane Caro speak. Jane’s been known to me for a long time via social media, her other books and her involvement in promoting public education. She spoke at length of the roles we women have played and often at great loss or expense to our health, welfare and future financial security in her book Accidental Feminists.

Her written and spoken words really made me think.

Women do so much unsung, not necessarily because of not wanting people to know, but because we “just do get on.” I know that my life has taken some not great twists and turns and I realised I drew on resources of courage to do so.

This led me to finding out more about courage from others.

I did get some instant responses after my initial invitations went out to women I knew personally or on-line:

  • Almost everyone said, “Thank you for asking, yes I will share.” “Not everyone” did return the responses because “life” it gets in the way and of course I get that.
  • Some surprised me with a flat “no, I am not a woman of courage” and yes, even though I may have seen something of courage in them, no remained as was that person’s wish.
  • Some took a middle road. Maybe…can I get back to you? Sure I would say. I admit, I never wanted anyone to miss out if they wanted to share but sometimes it took a few more communications from me to get the definitive Yes or No…or another date to be determined.

The first person asked was the lovely Sam, The Annoyed Thyroid , her post can be found here. I admit I wrote one about an instance of courage of mine as well but Sam was #1 in the series.

I also know that perhaps my dates of publication did not work well for those who had shared their stories. This meant the interactivity I may have envisioned by comments to readers did not occur. But, as always, I understood the why. Life. Again.

Not everyone shared their name and that was for a reason. I also understand though, from comments returned to me privately, that those people found the writing of the story helpful AND the comments and support from readers gave them quite a life.

Thank you all for sharing!

Now, who is up for sharing their story now? Many who read and link up already have but there are plenty I see who may like to contribute but have been a bit shy. Here are the questions that I ask….there are 5.

Questions from Denyse:

  • What have you faced in your life where you have had to be courageous?
  • How did this change you in any way? Please outline further if this has been the case.
  • Is there something you learned from this that you could recommend to help others who need courage?
  • Do you think you are able to be more courageous now if the life situation calls for it? Why is that?
  • Is there any message you would give to others facing a situation where courage could be needed?

Do add anything else that you think would help others who read your post.

I also ask, if you wish to share, for any social media you would like to promote that is a link to you and a photo if you are prepared to share one.

That is it. I have received short and to the point responses, some which are prose set by the person not actually answering the questions directly and others are long. And for a good reason.

Please consider sending me an email here: denyse@ozemail.com.au and tell me you would like to share your story. Thank you in advance!

And, to the over 45 women who have shared already: not all are live till later in the next few months..I am very thankful for you too. Just some of the women here who have shared their stories. Catch up here for more.

In this awful period around the world as COVID19 pandemic continues, I send you all my healing thoughts and that you all stay well and connected on-line while we are all self-isolating.

Easter will be different of course. However, it is still happening. May yours be peaceful and may the Easter bunny find you.

Denyse.

Joining each Wednesday with Sue and Leanne here for Mid Life Share the Love Linky.

On Thursdays I link here for Lovin Life with Leanne and friends.

Copyright © 2020 denysewhelan.com.au – All rights reserved.

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