Sunday 17th February 2019

No (ONE) Word Of The Year For Me. 6/2019.

No (ONE) Word Of The Year For Me. 6/2019.

Dear Readers,

In my earlier post here, I gave a rundown on my success/lack thereof with recent “words of the year”. I said I would be back with what I have in 2019.

Here I am.

I have no (ONE) word of the year at all. I have many and I need to share the story more.

Thank you,

Denyse.

If you have ever wondered why it is hard to come to a decision about something? I have been like this with the notion of a word/intention for 2019.

I have asked myself MANY times why and the response is usually because I want to cover all I need for me in 2019.

This is impractical so I will share the range of words here in this post.

Last year as I went through two surgeries for re-construction and re-modelling inside my mouth after my oral cancer diagnosis in May 2017. In doing that I had a significant need to remember to be B.O.L.D. that is: Be Brave Optimistic Loving & Learning Determined Denyse. It was (and still is engraved on a small bracelet chain I wear day and night. I could ‘touch it’ or read it to remind me of how I wanted to be even in the hardest of situations. Some of these included being told a 4th surgery was necessary and would be a much longer time for me to wear a stent inside my mouth to allow the space to stay open.

I kept my practice going of wearing an outfit, having a photo taken, going out for a coffee and sharing what I got up on Instagram and the on-line support was a boost I always appreciated.

Of course, I did not only rely on the bracelet and already had so much knowledge and experience from the even more emotionally hard days well before my cancer diagnosis. Even though I did not seem to be able to live as I would have liked then I was sowing the seeds within. Many of these titles were listened to in the car and in my then art room as I made patterns and mandalas (another coping mechanism for my anxiety pre-cancer) and meditate along with some of these mindfulness teachers.

I believed I was going well in many aspects as I could face the hard things which I wrote about here and here. I also had greater understanding of what it is to be human! We are not alone at all. My meditation practices helped. Not always. But anything which slowed down my critical voice and over-active mind was a good thing!

In August 2018 the event I had waited over 14 months for occurred. I had the new upper prosthesis of teeth screwed into my new jaw and gums. At last, I could eat more again! So exciting. It was (and still is) and work-in-progress as the mouth I use to eat is so very different to one that has natural teeth attached to a natural jaw.

3 months difference! I like to recognise special days

But I loved trying new foods. Until in the last few months my weight changed. Up. I am continually torn between eating for fun/enjoyment and for nourishment. Sigh. So, not being disrespectful to my professional team at all, I need to take personal responsibility for my eating. I am not 100% confident with that yet (again!) as I have had issues with being very overweight (related to using food for needs other than hunger) and I confessed all that here.

I value honesty and truth-telling and I know some people who read here tell me that they think I am being brave. Well, that maybe the case but I cannot hide. I tried that a long time ago and it does not work. So I must accept my truth is that I am vulnerable and sometimes look to food to be a salve for what I cannot fix. I actually do not want to be like this anymore. I am needing to find the words to help me through and they seem to be based in:

  • self-care
  • self-kindness
  • self-compassion

But even before I can do this well, I have to accept what my ageing body is doing (70 this year) and normalising that is hard! I thought managing cancer was all I had to do. Nope.

  • I have to manage my IBS symptoms when and if they appear,
  • I need to be aware of my regular skin checks, eye sight (I had a wee scare late December which turned out to be floaters),
  • my feet cannot embrace many shoes so I need to care for them better
  • manage my weight. Oh I was so hoping I would not HAVE to go there
  • acknowledge that some foods add weight & were what I used to calm me then I need(ed) to be able to embrace those emotions that are stress/anxiety/worry based …
  • and, in owning up to them, let them arrive, and let them go of their own accord.

This is what I have also learned in my mindfulness, meditation, podcasts and more.

So many wonderful people speaking on these CDs and each has helped (and continue to help) me.

Calm is my latest and the each 10 minutes has something of value to me to shift my attitude and be more at one with myself.

A word popped into my head two weeks back as I considered this topic (where were we….ah, Word or Intention!) and INTEGRATE stayed. I now have this word on a second bracelet and it may look a teensy bit over-done but as a visual and sensory reminder, with the tiny heart bracelet in between I reckon they will help me return to calm(er) waters.

The bracelets don’t stay like this of course but each faces me so I can see them and remember!

What now?

I continue to face what I need to do to live honestly and to embrace the emotions I dislike.

  • To this end, and because I had been learning lots about self-compassion, I have just started on the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kirstin Neff PhD & Christopher Germer PhD. I shall share progress on this in future blog posts.
  • I remain committed to something creative each day and am exploring different ways of using my small and medium art journal and finding that excellent. I am returning to mandala making. I have, to a greater extent, ruled out Tarot cards. I just am not in a headspace for that right now.
  • I think too, that I have been pretty distracted since Tuesday 8 January 2019 where I had an unexpected mouth check as more skin was growing and it came as a shock that it was done in case it was cancer. THAT in itself is another post. I had pushed cancer to the back and I was jolted back to reality when my surgeon said “I’m a cancer doctor”. Oh.
  • He also mentioned the possibility of further and extensive in-mouth surgery if the lip continues to have reduced room between it and the teeth and when he outlined what they might involve, I was pretty shocked. HOWEVER, nothing is decided yet but it’s there, hovering.

Every 7th week now on my Monday link-up the optional prompt will be Self-Care and I have added this for me and for anyone else who wants to share their self-care. 

I have written a lot and still there is no conclusive one word or an intention  but this is how it is for me in January 2019.

Thanks for reading!

I hope it’s been of interest to you.

It has helped to write it out.

Denyse.

Linking up with Sue here and Leanne on Wednesdays for Midlife Share The Love link up.

On Thursdays I link with Leanne and the crew at Lovin’ Life here.

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What Are You Doing This Week? 2017.124.

What Are You Doing This Week? 2017.124.

Let me know in the comments what you are doing this week!!

It’s mid-November 2017 and for us we do not need to Christmas shop any more because the families are wide-spread and we give our 8 grandkids some cash to spend in the after-Christmas sales, or to save…or in some cases, to pay their parents back!!

I am noticing that the Jacarandas are starting to turn green and there is not as much of the ‘purple carpet’ around the place.

The garden, for me, is always a great guide to the calendar. Well, most of the time. We all know how excessive dry patches (we had them) and over average rainfall (last year) can affect growth and blooming times. The frangipani in the back garden appears to be right on time.

I took these photos over the weekend and hope by the end of the week the tree will be awash with pretty pink blooms. They are also white on this tree so I suspect the previous owners who planted the tree may have added another.

In my working life I would be writing end of year school reports, then as a Deputy Principal and Principal be organising the classes for next year and hosting Kindergarten Orientation. I would also, as a Principal, be supervising, commenting and signing all of the students’ reports before they went home.

When I was teaching at Uni and studying myself via distance education this was always a hectic time. Submitting my assignments as a student back in the 1990s then as a Uni Tutor in 2000s, marking others’ assignments.

So, this week for me holds one event with significance and that is I am having day surgery at Chris O’Brien Lifehouse as the first of two stages to help my mouth be ready to receive implants and for my inside lip to get some more skin. I did write last week about my visit to the Oral Reconstructive dentist on Monday and I got the phone call from the Professor’s office that my surgery is on!

It’s Wednesday 15 November, and all going well with my recovery I will come home that day. We will have a very long day, to Sydney in the a.m. and home in the p.m. I will be lucky I guess to have a sleep in the middle. My husband says he is right for things to do, so I am leaving him to it.

Next week, as long as I am up to it after 2 hours of anaesthetic, I will let you know how things went. I am fine with some memory issues but that is expected. I will blog next Tuesday for sure as my IBOT contribution.

So, my week is somewhat daunting but I am remaining confident it will go well and if the travel bothers me, I have my drugs and headphones for the phone!

UPDATE on Thursday morning: the trip down was the longest in time for us thanks to 2 M1 breakdowns but we still made to the hospital before the 9.00 admission by leaving here at 6.00 am! So much traffic even at 7.00 in Sydney you have to wonder how people do this every.single.day. My recovery went very well and I was able to leave the hospital only 2 hours after going to recovery. I am a good ‘recoverer’ – it could be a made-up word, I am seeking my personal wordsmith’s advice on this. Emily Hawker! And I was up at 7.00 am responding to people’s comments here!

Something else I mentioned is I am doing a personal style challenge and a guest post has winged its way to one of my blogging friends. In the meantime here are two three (not a memory issue, added a 3rd  pic but did not change the text!) photos from recent days. I am liking the self-motivation this is bringing to me.

I hope your week ahead is a good one!

Denyse.

Linking with Kylie for I Blog On Tuesdays and with Leanne for Lovin’ Life Linky on Thursdays.

 

 

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