Wednesday 23rd January 2019

Observations in October #2. 2018.104.

Observations in October #2. 2018.104.

Are we humans ever truly content with ourselves?

I am asking the hard questions today as I know personally, I find this tricky.

My husband/guru tells me “life it about living in the present”. OK. Not just him, but everyone who preaches mindfulness seems to have this view.

I can do this on some occasions now. I can bring my thoughts back to where I am (not so good ones too) and let them go of their own accord.

What made me observe this today?

My appearance. My weight. My changes.

For many decades I used food for calming and soothing and hid from much of my emotions this way. I often ate secretly. I have written about it here. I was performing well academically and professionally but not within my care of myself. The only, easy way was eating what soothed me. 

Back to the present.

I’ve had four years of over-arching anxiety related to life changes and transitions which actually resulted in not only Irritable Bowel Syndrome (diarrhoea) but a reduced appetite and a simple meal regime. I did not go out much at all. I was ‘at home’ in 2016-mid 2017 because of the increased symptoms.

I lost weight. It had started slowly in the year before we left Sydney but continued gradually until I found out I had cancer in May 2017. WOAH. Here is the page with the cancer stories if you are a first time reader.

From the time I was diagnosed with cancer in my gums until I came home from hospital it was inevitable I lost weight. I did. I was focussed on getting past the surgery stage for more than 7 weeks and if that is not an appetite suppressant, I do not have any other ideas. I wore clothes that were baggy but were not my fattest clothes as almost all of them were consigned to charity bins in the previous year. I did not think I would wear them again yet I was very reluctant to buy clothes which fitted me well.

I managed to convince myself to get some nighties and other items of a smaller size for hospital and recovering at home but it held no joy in me to need to do this. Cancer was my upper most thought. Then, once surgery was over, and I was able to finally sip water, and try a clear fluids diet in the 2 days before I came home, the dietitian visited me.

I was bombarded   given the message over and over that I needed to EAT what and when I could and that it needed to be foods of full-fat, high protein and smooth enough for a mouth with only a few teeth to get down. I had never, in all my life, been told NOT to lose any more weight.

I was weighed in hospital and then once I was home, because of the addition of an anti-biotic that played havoc with my gut I did LOSE weight. I got to the lowest I can remember. Ever. And it did not feel good. I knew I was not well.

Once the diarrheoa disappeared and my GP said ‘eat what you like and what you can keep in’ rather than the high protein/milky drinks on offer via the dietitian, I got back to a weight where i felt comfortable and well.

This lasted for a very long time.

Sharing My Image with The On-Line World.

Just under a year ago, my wellness was a great feeling. I began to think about going out by myself for a coffee. It took me until November to do that, and I decided to account for my day by entering a photo each day on Instagram under the various hashtags including:

#everydaystyle

#dresswithpurpose

#outfitoftheday

Many of my on-line friends, family and friends found my daily posts and supported my photos with ‘likes’ and comments’. I found a love of shopping for bargains again. It was fun and I was rewarded by the feeling and knowledge that I was doing this for myself and finally I seemed to understand it was good to feel great on the outside.

Cancer meant more surgeries, and more messing about in my mouth. Food intake became protein items such as mince based meals which I could easily eat with a few teeth and a tongue and treats became staples: little cakes, small donuts, icecream. Each day had something like that in it. I did not gain weight much at all over the time from October until my last surgery in May 2018.

Photos of the day became something others with cancer discovered and they liked the idea of dressing with prpose. With head and neck cancer, because our cancer is usually visible to others, eating and drinking out is seldom done even just going out. So, I was flattered to be followed and asked more about it.

Then, a day came I had longed for…and it had been delayed so it was even more special.

I had the upper prosthesis of teeth added to my mouth. It was in late August. It felt very strange and initially I could not eat much at all. Over time, I could as I became confident of my ability to bite and chew and now…..

I began to gain weight.

Boo. It is not much at all, and I really need to put it in context. 

I have gone from very restricted eating and feeling deprived but I knew I had an end in sight. 

What has been interesting to observe in me is my behaviour changes.

  • I am not hiding my eating like I did.
  • I am limiting my treat food.
  • I am realising that I cannot use food to deal with emotions any more.
  • I am also needing to come to terms with what life is like for me now.
  • I am considering no longer doing the “outfits of the day” posts because they are almost a year old.
  • I may replace them with a “self-care” theme.
  • I am having a small internal battle but less so as I chat with my husband about it, and also follow a mindfulness eating guide.
  • I am wearing my fitbit and aim to move more than 6K steps in a day. I am a work-in-progress!

I thought getting teeth would be the best and it is…but I can eat a very wide range of foods again…but I no longer want to end up very wide again!

It has helped me to share this so thank you for reading! I hope you made it this far.

Back to where I started. Are we ever really content with ourselves?

Denyse.

Joining the lovely Leanne and friends here for Lovin Life Linky and for the record, I am here with Leanne when we finally caught up for a coffee…and something to eat recently!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Appreciation In August. #3. 2018.76.

Appreciation In August. #3. 2018.76.

My Alphabet of Appreciation FOR FOOD This Week in August 2018.

Some readers know that I have been without any teeth on top since my cancer diagnosis in May 2017 and after radical surgery in July 2017 a whole new inner /upper mouth was created and once I got home after 10 days, I needed to learn how to feed me. So much is attached to food: texture, tastes, preferences for savoury or sweet, crunchy food or smooth but I have been limited. Very much. It has been a big lesson for me in patience, creativity, adapting and making the best I can of the reason I had to do this hard work – cancer. The list here is all of the foods I have been able to eat. Often they are not in quantities I may have consumed pre-surgery as my mouth gets tired (and I get bored) with some food rolling around in my mouth for ages.

In a week or so, I will have had new top teeth added and I have no idea (yet) how this will be. This for now, is all I appreciate that I have been able to eat for the past 14 months.

A.

  • avocado – in all manner of way: by itself and added to dishes.
  • apple: I have tried many times with apple – grated but it is too hard to get it swallowed as I cannot (yet) chew.

B.

  • bread – no crusts but can eat white or wholemeal as a sandwich, or small pieces into soup
  • biscuits – dipping ones: malt, orange creams, plain biscuits. I have tried “choc covered’ ones: messy! I miss savoury biscuits as I cannot bite nor crunch
  • butter – my preferred spread and it is needed to help food like bread go down
  • beef casserole with chuck steak cooked all day – meat melts in my mouth

C.

  • cake – my homemade cupcakes with icing and those from my friend Kyla’s shop
  • coffee – double shot latte when I go out, and I keep a range of packet coffee mixes here
  • crumpets – can be cut into 4 and spread with butter and honey, I can pop the soft part in my mouth and leave crust
  • cheese – kraft blue box cheddar, tasty grated cheese and parmesan grated
  • carrot – cooked and then blended and added to bol sauce, soups
  • chicken noodle soup
  • chicken mince made into sweet and sour dishes
  • chicken cubes cooked and made into a casserole with cream of chicken soup

D.

  • dairy milk chocolate

E.

  • egg (scrambled only) with C for chutney on B for buttered T for toast

Some photos of some selections of the foods I ate in the early days. 

F.

  • fish – in the form of S for salmon in tins & smoked salmon in small pieces for lunch in summer
  • fruit – very limited. See P for pear, M for mango
  • fillet steak – cooked medium, and cut finely, with some sauce for flavour, added to 2 min noodles.

G.

  • grains – nope. They stick in places in my mouth and cannot escape.

H.

  • healthy choices. I make as many of these as I can each day knowing how much my recovery and wellness needs.
  • honey : good with plain yoghurt when I first came home from hospital last year
  • spread on crumpets

I. 

  • iodised salt is a daily condiment to aid flavour since I think my taste buds are slightly changed
  • ice-cream. Not a huge fan but it soothes my mouth after surgery and vanilla is my go-to.

J.

  • jelly. Oh so much jelly when I first recovered after major surgery and sometimes cooling and soothing after smaller surgeries. In a little container. Sometimes with I for ice-cream.
  • jam. Adding some flavour to a toasted muffin. See M for Muffin and how this is eaten.

K.

  • kale K for kidding. I can eat NO  leafy veges or salad other than what I list elsewhere

More foods from my challenging eating days. Imagination and creativity helps me with meals.

L. 

  • lettuce in teensy tiny cut up pieces added to my taco bowl or a sandwich with vegemite and cheese

M.

  • mango – could eat cut up in a bowl using a spoon. It was a great addition to lunch in Summer.
  • minced meat. How I learned to love you and cook with you for me:
  • minced beef: spag bol, savoury mince, taco mince
  • minced chicken: as above
  • minced lamb combined with the minced beef has made the best savoury mince to date
  • minced pork: a version of san box choy – just the seasoning, and the mince and on some 2 minute noodles
  • muffin: toasted white one: I can spread jam on a buttered one, cut into quarters and eat the middle part, leaving edge
  • milk: in coffee and tea and on my breakfast every day. Before the first surgery I was not a fan of cereal and milk and now I am. See W for Weetbix.

N.

  • noodles – see above: 2 Minute Chicken Noodles added to meat dishes. I have to cut the noodles with scissors before eating so I don’t choke on a long thread!

O.

  • oranges – cut and squeezed and drinking their juice

P.

  • pasta – the spaghetti variety – cut up and sometimes tube one – but needed to be well-cut for swallowing
  • pumpkin soup – over it. So over it. Yet because it “is” a vegetable and healthy I had made and eaten this a lot.
  • potatoes –  as long as they are  mashed and buttered they went down well on top of my savoury mince.
  • pikelets: these are great with some butter and a spread. Warmed even more so.
  • peanut butter: sometimes on bread and sometimes on a toasted muffin.

 Q.

  • nothing comes to mind for Q.

R.

  • roast lamb dinner. Ok. Three times my dear husband cooked this and it was delightful, drowned in gravy and with burnt baked pumpkin and potatoes
  • rice. Oh how I have used rice: white: fried: and it is a staple that I can generally ‘get down’ with a meat/fish in some kind of sauce.

Meals and more meals. Dinner was easier than lunch often. 

S.

  • sweet potatoes have been good, blended with regular potato and added to meat dishes as well as soups
  • soups. I know they are good for the body and soul. I made many: chicken and veggies, ham hock and veggies and each was blended and frozen for future consumption. I have a range of packet soups on hard always. I can only eat (and have always preferred) a thinnish soup. Not thick at all.
  • sweets. I can eat some very soft sweets: this has been in recent months: milk bottles, strawberries & cream, pineapples.
  • sandwiches. I know that they are hard to get down but I do because I missed bread. So, the fillings – spreads or cheese or salmon need some butter or condiments and then I cut off all the crusts, and then the sandwich into cubes. I can now get down 8 rectangles. Before the past month or so it was 16 squares. Takes ages to eat.

T.

  • tomato condensed soup from Rosella in the can, with milk added is a comfort food from childhood and it gets a run regularly.
  • tomatoes. I long(ed) for the taste of tomatoes but their skin made eating impossible. Lately though, I have bought small vine grown ones, and I cut out the middle with seeds and juice and that goes on a taco or even a crumpet for a savoury taste
  • tacos came about when I was looking for NEW tastes. I make up the taco mince with the powder and freeze the cooked portions, making myself ‘taco in a bowl’ with added: tomato & lettuce (see above), tasty cheese, avocado, lite sour cream.
  • tea: cups of …and often with biscuits I can dunk.
  • toast…is eaten rarely but I have tried it in very small squares with some creamed corn on top and eaten with a spoon as well as with scrambled egg.

U.

  • unhealthy but delicious at times: treats that I “can” eat when I am out: bits of donut edges, some cakes with no nuts and some icing, a part of a scone with jam & cream. Chocolate: including latest I can eat: freckles.

V.

  • variety is what I try to have but it can be V for very hard some days and I just retreat to ‘old faves’.
  • very good advice from the dietitian before I left hospital in July 2017 was to aim for enjoyment AND nutrition in my meals and snacks and I do remember that often.

W.

  • water. I always have water near me and particularly when eating. I have not choked but water is a good lubrication in my mouth anyway so I have sips and swigs during my meal
  • weetbix. Who knew? Before surgeries for cancer I rarely ate cereal. For the past year it is my standard and ONLY breakfast: 2 weetbix, some sugar (oh come on, I cannot do these plain) and lite milk. And I will continue this breakfast when I have my teeth and it is a healthy one.

X.

  • of course nothing starts with X in this list but I will say taking eXtra care before attempting to eat food, and not talking as I eat (before surgery Denyse did) helps my food stay IN and then go down.

Y.

  • yellow foods: cheeses, butter, custard are dairy-based and they are part of my meals and snacks and I try to have
  • yoghurt in the fridge most weeks so when I feel like I need to be ‘virtuous’ I have some.

Z.

  • zooper doopers are always in the freezer. They are awesome post mouth surgeries but need to be cut into small, manageable pieces as I cannot suck. Seriously, not even using a straw with success. Unsure if this ability will return.

Treats have become a daily event but in limited quantities. I have remained around the same weight for the past 12 months and wish to stay that way. Increasing activity now I am very well is helping. 

 

I hope you did not get too hungry reading this!

Denyse.

Linking with Leanne for Lovin Life Linky on Thursdays here.

 

 

 

 

 

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