Saturday 18th November 2017

On Healing and Trust. 2017.118.

On Healing and Trust. 2017.118.

I preface today’s post with the news that I have not been physically well since late last week (I wrote about it here) and when I am like this my inner world becomes unsure, scared and less  confident than I like to appear and feel. This has been exacerbated about 1000times since I found I had cancer. Even the recent trip back to see the specialist has not left me feeling wonderful because I am scared again knowing I face many more visits and more invasions in my mouth. YET. I cannot stand the way it is now, as I literally cannot eat much at all and I am getting more and more frustrated by my predicament.

YOU might think, as I do in my punitive self-talk that I should be grateful the cancer has gone and be appreciative. Well, right now, I am not.

The psychologal effects of this cancer thing are overpowering when I ‘let them’ so in an effort to feel a bit less aggro and more present-moment centred I am changing some of the thought patterns.

I talked to my husband about and I think it is a grieving process but it is very uncomfortable and makes me sound unappreciative and spoiled.

But hey, I am human.

Enough from me or this will be a 100% whingefest…..and I even deplore those too.

Good news update: Since feeling wretched with a bad virus or flu from last Wednesday on I was a little bit relieved to feel a bit better yesterday physically and today the result from the doctor for flu is ‘normal’. Yay. But as I found out yesterday, Wednesday 25 Oct, this is still a ‘flu’ and the various bugs and nasties which fly around the body will leave me exhausted and unwell for about another 4-6 days. Today, Thursday 26 Oct I have woken with no temperature, continued lethargy and but an increased interested in eating again. Even though eating IS restrictive, it’s better to be hungry than not.

This is a piece from the writer Jeff Foster in his book: The Way of Rest.

Healing: Trust The Process.

Sometimes you have to commit to feeling worse in order to feel better. Sometimes you have to lose the hope of every getting better, then you start to get better. Sometimes healing involves staying very present as powerful waves of energy move in the body. Sometimes the body shakes, convulses, aches, sweats, burns as it rids itself of toxins, releases of bound-up tension.

The mind says, “I’m getting worse”. The heart knows you’re OK.

True healing is not the removal of surface symptoms, but courage and trust of the body and connection with the breath, and knowing that the symptoms may intensify before they disappear. And they may never disappear. Yet you may fall in love with yourself as you are, despite the future, and you may drop to your knees in gratitude, for you have been given another day on this precious earth.

Maybe getting worse was the best thing that ever happened to you. Because you’ve never sensed the presence of love so clearly, and your path has never been more obvious, and you have never felt so alive.

All I can say is I am hoping to shake off some of these feelings but also to accept them as being part of what is…as I have done this year, when told I had cancer.

 

It felt helpful for me to try to explain what was going on in some kind of written form here!

Denyse.

Joining with Kylie for I Blog On Tuesdays and with Leanne for Lovin’ Life Linky on Thursdays.

FacebooktwitterpinterestFacebooktwitterpinterest
FacebooktwitterpinterestFacebooktwitterpinterest

Comments

  1. You have been through an experience that has altered your perception and that sounds pretty normal. Admitting it sucks is so healthy and a great way to heal. Telling your mind it is a stage and it will eventually change can help in the healing process. You are doing an amazing job with the recovery, make sure you keep reminding yourself of that too.

  2. I would never judge you for the frustration of eating. If it helps you for (maybe?) positive comparison – I was losing my $hit at one day of struggling to eat and swallow.

    Non-comparison speaking, I think ups and downs in the level of frustration and acceptance at anything a pretty human. Though obviously I hope you feel better about it soon as frustration is a hard place to be in.

  3. Oh Denyse, I think I understand some of what you are feeling. While not going through a physical illness, both my husband and I are facing some extreme challenges at present, all that are essentially out of my hands. I am finding it so difficult to trust in the process and I find myself wishing and doubting all sorts of things. I can totally understand how frustrated you must be! Sending you much love xxx

    • Oh yes. When things are not within our control it can be soooo frustrating. I recall that time as we were very much in the midst of the house we sold happening. Whilst we were grateful to have accepted the offer on the first day we then had to wait on “others” such as purchasers’ checks from their financiers, pest inspections etc . What was very annoying that we HAD to agree to a few days before settlement. I think because our future relied on this going through it was AWFUL. I was one stressed person and it showed. I do hope things sort themselves out for both of you but living with it is awful! D xx

  4. I think it’s completely okay to be frustrated and have a whinge. You’ve had a rough time this year. It will be hard to trust in the process and trust that things get better sometimes because that’s what setbacks do to us. I was driving through Gorokan today and thinking about you. I go that way a lot as I see clients at Lake Haven weekly. We should catch up sometime when you feel up to it.

    • Thanks so much Sanch those words remind me of that it has been like. I will see how things pan out future surgery wise and get back to you about catching up. D x

  5. You do not sound spoiled at all. And it’s not complaining. You’re going through a drawn-out and physically and emotionally tough process. Feeling like it’s taking a long time and all of the rest of it is not being ungrateful, it’s being realistic. It is a long time especially when you’re unable to eat much and are waiting for other surgeries. And sometimes it will get the best of your good intentions. Don’t feel guilty about that. xx

    • Thanks Kat, I now know the virus I have had put me in a pretty gloomy place as they are wont to do. Responding to you now at the end of day 7 I already feel about 75% better and can see ahead to whatever is next with a bit more positivity. D xx

  6. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there when you talk about it being a grieving process, it really, really is. It’s a massive change & upheaval in your life, much like your big sea change a few years back, and you definitely need to allow yourself the time to feel all the feelings and process it. And even though there are so many positives for you in life, and you are lucky than others, that doesn’t minimise the emotional impact this has had and the very big changes it’s meant for your life. I sometimes feel silly for spending most of 2016 actually processing my Mum’s accident from back in 2014, even though she is fine and survived and all of the rest of it, at the time I didn’t allow myself to fear the massive terror, fear & grief that came with what happened because of having two babies and studying full-time, and it all hit me last year because I hadn’t allowed myself to feel it for the 18 months previous. Take care of yourself Denyse, and give yourself a break. I hope you’re feeling better soon too, having a virus/cold when you’re already dealing with so much can not be an easy thing xxx

    • I read your beautiful and wise words yesterday and was filled with gratitude for you as you recognised so well what maybe is hard for the person to see herself. I will never forget when you got that news about your mother and how it was for her to recover and her family, you in particular as I know you, to manage what you were feeling and seeing. It says a lot that we have to go through grief. It cant be postponed. It waits and probably multiplies. I have so much admiration for your mum and her determination to recover. She had/has so much to live for there was no way she was going anywhere. Thank you again, I am feeling quite a bit better today from the virus and my mood has lifted somewhat which is a win. I went out chasing clouds for photos this arvo as storms approached so that was a sign of recovery for me if ever there was one! D xx

  7. I think it’s really hard when you’re unwell to feel positive about anything so it’s completely understandable that you’ve been struggling.

    I kinda wrote about this last week: that’s it’s hard to focus on other stuff when you’re overwhelmed by something and I don’t think you can force yourself out of the worry. My aunt’s been grappling with some health issues and makes occasional comments about wishing she were dead etc. On one hand I know she dotes on her grandson and wants to see him grow up but she’s really struggling to see anything positive. I think she’d benefit from talking to a counsellor but she’s resisting at the moment and I know she doesn’t want to be a burden to her husband and bring him down as well.

    I’d hope the counsellor could help her grieve cos I think it’s important she do that and it sounds like that’s what you’re working on and conscious of. She’s kind shut down in some ways and I think it’d do her good to offload more about it and then start to look forward….

    And even though I know you’re saying what’s ahead of you is daunting, I love that you’re accepting it and facing it. You’re a fighter Denyse and never forget that. xxxx

    PS. Glad you’re over this latest lurgy!

    • Thanks Deb for your words of wisdom and assurance. Interesting isn’t it how people approach serious illness like cancer as something ‘they don’t want to burden anyone else about’. I hope someone close to your aunt can encourage her to seek some taking help because keeping it in is not good. I know I feel even more recovered today as I chased some clouds for photos by the lake! Not really “chased” but you know what I mean! D xx

  8. Ahh Denyse. Big hugs to you. I think it’s so important to let it all out every now and then. You can’t be brave 100% of the time. This is a massive thing for you to go through and it’s okay to feel miserable and mad and frustrated at times. xx

    • Thank YOU dear Renee as you always can find something wonderfully kind to buoy me! I am somewhat better today and the mindset is back to equilibrium for a while. I like that! D xx

  9. This thing is huge – both physically & emotionally – and will take a toll on your immune system. I guess too, knowing what’s to come after being through some treatment already can make the whole thing more scary – because you have something to base that fear on. Huge hugs as always.

    • Thanks Jo, I am blessed to have people such as yourself who can support me and ‘get what it is for me’. I am feeling somewhat better from the flu/virus this afternoon and realise what a part feeling unwell can play with your thoughts and emotions. I will write about it to remind me I think! D x

  10. You’re going through such a tough time health wise. Sending you good wishes, prayers & big hugs!

    Ingrid

    • Thank you Ingrid, there are days when I can manage very well…and then others as I found, when my system was fighting a nasty bug where it all felt worse. I appreciate your words always. D x

  11. You’ve been working so hard at keeping everything together and remaining positive, it’s only natural for it to finally take its toll on your body and your thoughts. Time to rest and recalibrate and I truly hope you’re feeling better soon Denyse. Sending much love x #teamIBOT

    • So very true dear Erika. I have actually been more self-caring. I used to rush to blog then add my comments and make sure I got around to everyone who linked up with me on Mondays and then this past 7 days made me realise I can be easier (much!) on myself and everyone who knows me understands. It has helped a lot. Today, day 8 I am coming good with a return of a smile a few laughs. Always a good sign! D x

  12. Denyse you’re not whinging at all. As you know, I have a flu/virus thingy too at the moment and feel just awful so I can somewhat relate in that regard at least. I am not at all surprised that you are scared of all that is ahead for you or that you are frustrated and grieving with regards to your current predicament. You’ve been incredibly brave through all of this cancer journey but you are human and going through a full gamut of emotions is to be expected I would think. It’s a scary thing you are going through but you are doing such a great job of managing all the fears and emotions. Such a shame this flu/virus had to come along. Hopefully it will be gone soon. Rest and be kind to yourself. xo #TeamLovinLife

    • Thanks Min for your kind words and understanding. My GP explained a bit more of what the body is doing inside as it fights the virus and I can see why we feel so worn out and of course mentally not as happy and it’s been more from the virus than anything else. His explanation helped me a lot. As did listening to my body re eat, drink and rest. I found when I was at my worst with temps up and down all day cold water was the best drink ever. I hope you feel better soon. As this is now my 8th or maybe my 10th day ( I think it started late Tuesday but I hoped it would go away) I now know it has to run its course. D xx

  13. I had a friend who had a mild heart attack in her late 40’s – it really threw her for a loop because she faced her own mortality and the reality that none of us are guaranteed a graceful and gentle slide into old age. I think you’ve had a similar epiphany Denyse and getting the flu on top of it hits your resilience for a six. Hopefully getting better, enjoying the sunshine and those pretty flowers, and being looked after by your lovely husband will get you back to feeling more positive. But you are definitely allowed your moments of feeling a bit hard done by xxx

    • Thanks so much for your wise words Leanne. I think we all consider ourselves immortal until we are abruptly reminded by the death or serious illness of someone we know. I have been OK (now) as I seemingly have no cancer, however I will always HAVE had cancer and that is now part of my body and mind. I am feeling better today and not only went outside but drove to the nearby lake to capture photos of the amazing clouds as storms were approaching! D x

  14. I think all that has happened is finally catching up with you Denyse. When shit like cancer happens you don’t have the space to grieve, if you want to survive you just have to get on with it and do what you have to do. Being frustrated with the way you are now in the recovery journey, would suggest that you are well and truly ready to tackle the next step. Being bowled over by that nasty flu bug this week, has been a reminder of how you felt when you first had the major operation and what you still have to face in the coming while. Be kind to yourself Denyse, letting yourself wallow is part of the process.

    • Thanks Jenni, wise words. I began to feel better yesterday and ventured out in the car for a half an hour to take pics. That meant for me, I was ‘back’ in some ways. Photography is part of each day. Today I am a bit more tired but feeling like eating again. The eating is a challenge but I am pretty creative and am managing quite a balance diet.
      Yes, cancer can give your thinking a bit of a muck around but as I do face more surgery I take with me the strength and knowledge of having done this before. D x

  15. You don’t sound ungrateful and spoiled at all Denyse. You’ve had cancer. It’s only just been taken care of and the surgery was huge. It’s been a tough year and no doubt there is still “uncertainty”. You’re allowed to feel how you feel. #teamlovinlife

Denyse values & reads every comment written, thank you. There is always a reply.

*