Thursday 24th January 2019

My Biggest Fear. 21/52. #LifeThisWeek. 2018.43.

My Biggest Fear. 21/52. #LifeThisWeek. 2018.43.

It took me a while to decided WHAT it was that was my biggest fear.

I ran through a list in my head.

I talked to my husband about it too.

I decided that it was not having enough money:

then I remembered I wrote a post called: What is Enough? I recalled that ‘what is enough money’ is different things to different people and that in actual fact we most likely DID have enough …as long as I reined in my clothes’ shopping. OK.

Of course, health came next…and I talked about the fear of becoming very ill. Say, with cancer. Oh yes, I have cancer. I am going OK with that too. So not that. Mmmmm.

I decided that I could not fear homelessness, nor being abandoned by my husband and I could, at this stage, not fear getting too old I cannot do things for myself.

What, then do I fear most?

Not being in control.

Simple, right?

Not really.

We humans like to think we are IN control. But are we?

So, what I know now, as I always have but was not prepared to admit it.

I can only control me.

  • My actions.
  • My responses.
  • My decisions.

Of course, as I need to get  along with others, I must remember that not everyone has this insight.

I found this link and quote from the source. What an applicable read it was!

Courage requires practising this golden mean between being too afraid and not afraid enough.

For it is only through such practice that you can acquire a habit of moderating your fear, which is exactly what being courage is.  There is no algorithm for calculating this golden mean but there is rational judgment grounded in evidence.
So to overcome you fear of losing control, you can,

  • push yourself to act on the evidence, without demanding certainty, or in spite of your fear of the uncertainty;
  • make a habit of this-not always and perfectly, but for the most part;
  • resign yourself to live by probabilities, not by guarantees.
  • accept yourself as an imperfect being who is inherently subject to making mistakes about the future; and
  • stop worrying and ruminating now, not later.

These things really are in your control!

Look how the journey led me to here as I blogged!

I am doing a mindfulness practice with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield each day now, as well as my Headspace meditation with Andy Puddicombe each night.

Add in my art time, some time outside in nature and I am s l o w l y learning about acceptance and taking things ONE at a time.

So, what is your biggest fear?

Oh. Of course DEATH is one. Enough said. Seriously I am trying to be light-hearted in this post …

But if you or another person is feeling sad, depressed and could possibly be suicidal, please give them the Lifeline Number here or ring it as you need to. 13 11 14.  

Thank you for sharing.

Denyse.

Joining with Alicia here for Open Slather.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in. * Please add just ONE post each week! * Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not. * Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do! * Check out what others are up to by leaving a comment because we all love our comments, right! * Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere. I don’t have a ‘button’ so a link in text is fine! *Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog and the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. * THANK you for linking up today!

Next Week’s Optional Prompt: 22/52. How Did Your Blog Start? 28/5/18. 


 

 

 

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Comments

  1. I love this post. I’m sitting there nodding along with each fear and then you ‘master’ it. Great post. And yes, I guess a lot of our fears are actually just a fear of not being in control. What a great post!! Opened my eyes to a new perspective!!

    • Lydia, I am so pleased that it hit the spot for you.

      I know when I first looked at the prompt….I did think “what have I done here?” However it was a good exercise in thinking, centring on what things really were about and then trying to make sense of it here as a post.

      Denyse x

  2. Denyse
    I really enjoyed writing about this week’s topic. Enjoyed may not be the best description but thinking about fear has made me look deeper at the way I lead my life and my mindset.

    Looking forward to reading everyone’s posts this week.

    Thank you for your Buddha quote, may I learn to respond rather than react this week.

    SSG xxx

    • Thank you SSG.

      Like I said to Lydia, I did wonder what I would write about and then it became an exercise in thinking and beliefs as I wrote.

      I so need to NAIL respond rather than react. Slowly I may be getting better at it.

      Good luck as you go along too.

      Denyse x

  3. Thanks, Denyse, for the quotes, and sharing your biggest fear. I find my daily walk close to nature and meditation really free my mind from many fears. My post is off topic today as my head space is on something else.

    • How good to know that you too practise mindfulness this way.

      My go-to when I am stuck or feeling anxious (I was last Tuesday a.m. before going to Sydney for my Wednesday surgery) is to go for a walk. Even if it is just in the back yard, it takes me out of myself and into a bigger space…the world!

      Denyse x

  4. I love this post Denyse. Very thought provoking. The fact that you ruled out cancer is intriguing too. It’s funny how we come to accept things that we have little control over. I just live with cancer daily now and get on with things. It’s a big word but it needn’t be as frightening as it seems. (I push it out of my mind as much as possible.)

    • Thanks Jody for your words and most helpful way in which you now approach life.

      Cancer is such an emotive word isnt it? I almost feel that once I got the diagnosis, even though it was a shock back then, it was good to know it was what it was.

      In your case, I do not feel I would be doing it so lightly but you are seeing the world day to day and getting on with life..no matter what.

      I admire you so much every.single.day!

      Denyse x

  5. Like Lydia I was nodding to most of your points in this post.

    • Thanks Ingrid. I am also pretty sure the moment our kids start getting some independence from us we lose (some) control even though we “think” we might still have it.

      Denyse x

  6. I totally understand the fear of not having control. Love that golden, well red, piece of wisdom of ‘I can only control me’. Taking that through my day today and thinking that would be a fab tattoo for a permanent reminder lol. Not about to put myself through that pain though!

    • Yes, a tatt…LOL.

      I would like to think I might respond more than react these days but at least I know the difference. I have been known to apologise (mostly to the hub) because it’s such an immediate response at times isn’t it to jump in?

      Denyse x

  7. Aaaah yes, control…that old chestnut. It’s probably at the root of anything I really fear too. As always, thought-provoking… Have a great week.

  8. What a wonderfully positive way to start the week, Denyse. I really needed to read your post today because my weekend was full of blogging problems! You have conquered so much over the last year that you certainly could conquer any fear now. Take care xx

    • Thank you Sue.

      Ah blogging problems. My site did the change to the latest wordpress (I use their templates but host independently) and up came the traditional font not the one my tech man installed ages ago.

      I was thinking, grrrr now I have to ring Craig on Monday – he does it pro bono as I hardly need his help these days – then I remembered one of his adages. Close the blog down, re-open it…and ta dah it was back!

      I hope things are Ok now.

      Yes cancer has taught me a lot about myself and what I can handle even if it is other people doing the controlling.

      Denyse x

  9. Oh yes to all of this. The control thing has always been a biggie for me and still is. But as this current contract end looms I’m starting to stress about money. At the same time I’m conscious that – since working full-time and having more $ I’ve spent more wildly. And… I’ve bemoaned my lack of free time. Every so often I’ve fantasised about losing my job and NOT having to work full time. But then I remember my mortgage and bills and remind myself there’s no one else to contribute towards any of it.

    I just read something online last night – not sure if I shared it on my Debbish FB page – about the conundrum of becoming a minimalist and it being as much about making space for new stuff as just taking away things. In that piece the writer talked about the fact that – when working and earning a good salary – often the only option for self-care is splurging on more stuff given time is so limited. And it’s certainly what I’ve done… x

    • Oh Deb, I hear what you are saying.

      I identify with this a lot.

      I find it really hard not to have what I would call disposable income as I no longer work and we have smallish pensions. I have had to learn not to use spending as a calmative or reward. I can still do some spending but nothing like I did when I had a salary.

      I also agree that no matter which choice you make -less work or more work – the essence of what your life and lifestyle is about it yet to become something you are able to settle on. Hard yards, really hard yards for you.

      I get that so much!

      Denyse x

  10. I think control is a big thing. And it covers many topics like money and health. Probably control and lack of would be mine too.

    • It is interesting too, I see some of you in me. When working with people who do not have a high standard of workmanship, or practices we agree with it is most unsettling.

      Why can’t they all just be like us, right?

      Denyse x

  11. Control is perhaps the overarching theme of all lack and fear, and we just identify it as something else in the moment. My greatest fear is “being seen” which sounds ridiculous, especially when you consider it in terms of control.

    • All humans want to feel safe and this is in our DNA. Unfortunately fear means more these days than escaping from the predatory big animals.

      Saying a fear sounds ridiculous is what I used to say about me and IBS and why I decided that I had to break through it via exposure therapy. I wrote a couple of posts about it last year.

      I hope that you are able to see that you are so worth being seen. However, I know only you can decide that.

      Denyse x

  12. I definitely share your fear of not being in control. I’ve had to learn to let go over the years (particularly in the last few!) but it’s still a driver in my anxiety and in my reactions to the world aroung me. I love that snippet of information you included – so spot on!

    • Thanks Kirsty. Interestingly I saw what you wrote about the signals your two bigs give out when they are feeling anxious. I know the signals I have too. I go ‘quiet and small’ as I invert myself because it all becomes too much to contemplate – last Mon I could not ditch the anxiety about the coming surgery.

      Once I shared it with hub and had some tears…and then allowed my vulnerable self to post about it on WWWC, I felt unburdened and more likely to deal with all that was coming my way and OUT of my control.

      Denyse x

  13. My biggest fear was being a single mum. Then it happened and I lived through it and am still living through it and the world didn’t end and nobody died. After that, I didn’t think I’d ever be afraid of anything. But I am afraid of not having enough money to pay the rent one month, or to pay the bills, but somehow, this also happens from time to time somehow I manage, people help me and my worst case scenario is not living in my car or on the streets, but living with my parents back in Melbourne, so even that would be bearable.

    I am afraid of what might happen to my boys if I died, but I know they would be in good hands with my sister, so that’s not really that scary, except for missing out on all their firsts. I am not afraid of death for me. I see it as a long peaceful sleep.

    • I hear you on yours Dorothy.

      You can see that when I wrote mine, then questionned the validity, like you are now, it was not so bad.

      I really hear you on yours. I hope, that over time, that things go better and you can see yourself as the independent mum and person you want to be.

      Denyse x

  14. Yes it would suck not being in control. I have to make sure I never do anything too illegal, because I would be hopeless in jail, haha.

    Di from Max The Unicorn

  15. Oh yes, death! I’ve never been a fan of that. Time…. that’s also a biggie for me… time to do all the things I want to do, and there are SO many! Don’t much like the idea of flying either, I’ve had a crash or fall on nearly every other form of transport I’ve been on (horse, boat, train, car, bike, motorbike), so I figure why push it!! I’ve not heard of Tara Brach, thanks for a new person to delve into.

    • Linda, how lovely to read your comment. I know that ‘making’ yourself do things that scare anbd worry us actually helps. It took me ages to work on myself for that and I still do sometimes but generally I am no longer waiting anxiously at home fearful of leaving the house.

      Tara Brach – listening to her is such a comfort for me. Her free podcasts are most helpful too.

      I hope you find her interesting.

      Denyse x

  16. I decided my biggest fear is fear itself; meaning anxiety. So I guess anxiety is a control thing as well. Sigh. This post is so helpful to me. I think I need to print out the information you gave at the end to remind myself. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thank you Ness. The mornings I woke with anxiety for NO reason went away once I got the cancer diagnosis. I still had anxiety but it was about something. Over time, it comes and goes like it did last week before we went to Sydney for my 4th surgery.

      It is an absolute bugger that morning one..but I always (98%) got out of bed, got dressed, had breakfast and got on with as much of the day as I could.

      It always helped me to know that if I did not react or think too much about that sort of anxiety it went of its own accord.

      Sending you my love and hope things improve,

      Denyse x

  17. I’m a bit of a control freak Denyse (some would say a LOT of one!) but I’m slowly learning to let go, to not beat myself up for missing the mark of perfection. I try not to focus on negatives, or fears, or worries – instead I’m trying to be more in the moment – or at least in the “now” rather than looking back at things I could have done better – or looking forward at what might go wrong. I’m a work in progress, but getting better at it I think.

    • You so are doing it I reckon for what I read of you!

      I am learning..every.single.day…of what I can let go of and what I may need to pay attention to.

      I think being aware is the most important factor because then we can bring about wanted changes in ourselves.

      Here’s to us!

      Denyse x

  18. My biggest fear is losing one or more of my children. I have had periods of
    Time in my life where I have had no contact with two of them and it has made me so depressed. Now I have them back in my life, to loss them again would be horrendous.

    • Oh my it so would be hard. I can understand this as once it has happened, it is very hard to erase that memory.

      Denyse x