Wednesday 18th October 2017

Any Regrets? #LifeThisWeek 39/52. 2017.113.

Any Regrets? #LifeThisWeek 39/52. 2017.113.

I first thought of this prompt as a list where I would write my regrets.

Oh.

So then I had a review of why I thought they were regrets and that opened a conversation between me and my husband about the futility of the list. However, before I sign off on no regrets, these were on that list*:

  1. Leaving the state super scheme aged 22 because I could and my husband was already a member.
  2. Selling our Kellyville house and putting much more of our borrowed dollars into a new build of our own at Bella Vista only to have to sell it to keep ourselves from bankruptcy only 4 years later.
  3. Deciding to resign from my role as principal rather than continue in the way in which Work Cover wanted me to in steps and stages starting with working from the local district office.
  4. Generously giving our adult kids hefty (for then and now!) deposits as early inheritances so they had security for their future and that of our grandchildren or future grandchildren.
  5. Saddling ourselves with a much larger mortgage than we could sustain once I had reached 60 and found working most days a physical and mental challenge.

*I note that each of these is money-based and yes, I am that person who likes financial security (we have it) but I am still someone who would like to have had more. That’s who I am. Not proud of it. It’s me. 

This has been hard in some ways to re-visit these landmarks in my mind….but that IS the whole point. They are in the past. I cannot change a thing about any of them. I need to leave them where they are but also to recall, from time to time, the learning they have afforded me.

That is: I cannot control the ways in which others may respond to my or another’s gifts, choices, decision and the like. The only way I can move on is to say to myself “I forgive myself for some of those decisions and will use my memories of them to guide me for the future me and centre the present me on where I am in this moment”.

Some findings on-line about regrets here:

http://www.parentscountdowntocollegecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/no-regrets.jpg

http://inspirationboost.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/88-Never-Regret-Good-is-Wonderful-Bad-is-Experience.png

I did have some songs come to mind too with lyrics about regrets but rather than give you ear worm (which you just might regret!!) I offer the titles only.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien – Edith Piaf

My Way – Frank Sinatra

I am interested to know how you view regrets and if you have been successful at letting any regrets ‘go’…..

Thanks for reading!

May I ask you to come over and read TOMORROW’S post here or on I Blog on Tuesdays link with Kylie or

on Thursday’s link with Leanne because I have an ANNOUNCEMENT about 2018 Life This Week!!

Denyse.

On Mondays I link with Alicia here for Open Slather and with Kell here for Mummy Mondays.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in. * Please add just ONE post each week! * Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not. * Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do! * Check out what others are up to by leaving a comment because we all love our comments, right! * Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere. I don’t have a ‘button’ so a link in text is fine! *Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog and the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. * THANK you for linking up today!

Next Week: Letter to My 20 year old self.


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Comments

  1. I think the fact that we can regret things or decisions from our past means that we have learned from them to some degree. We wouldn’t be the older and wiser people we are today if we hadn’t made those regrettable choices.

    SSG xxx

  2. I do have one major regret that I can’t let go of at this stage as it is still affecting my life. Minor regrets I let go of almost immediately.

    Ingrid

    • Not letting go of a major regret is painful and I would say I really get that. However, in my case, until I could ‘forgive myself’ for what had happened with one decision above that was solely mine, it hung around and dragged me down. I have had to lighten up, let it stay where it is and learn from it.
      I hope that you can too when you are ready. Thanks for sharing. D xx

  3. I don’t really have regrets anymore. Every mistep I’ve made has brought me to the life I love now – which is amazing, so it’s all worked out for the best.

  4. Interesting you regret giving the deposits. I think we will regret NOT being able to do that for our kids….interesting it’s all financial. I guess it means you did all the other things right.

    • It is something I really can’t elaborate on but I regret making a decision about the deposits based on what was in fact a debt we continued to pay as it was part of our expanded mortgage back then. I think I was very short-sighted. However, I cannot get that time back so it has been a big lesson. D xx

  5. Love the Katherine Mansfield quote. That’s a goodie …
    We have a couple of big money decisions that we could “regret” … one in particular continues to haunt and pain us … but “meh”. what can you do? When it comes down to it, it’s only money. I can live in a caravan if I have to. (albeit in a very luxurious caravan with indoor toilet and shower and chandeliers).

    • Oh I feel better knowing you too have one of these…Sorry I should say I mean that “we are not alone”. Losing money (from a variety of sources) has put us in the situation of being renters in our older age.
      But, with some future inheritance when my Dad dies we will hopefully have enough for a small place around the area where we are now.
      I will feel more secure when I have a house but my husband says ‘live in the moment’ and I guess that getting cancer has made that point very clearly!! D xx

  6. I love Robbie Williams’ version of My Way. But yep, regrets, I have a few, but then again too few to mention. Sure, if I was really pressed & denied wine I’d admit to there being a couple of things that I could have, should have or would have done differently, but then the outcomes would have been different – & so would what followed. So, for me? Je ne regrette rien.

    • A great way to look at your life Jo. I continue to let things go now but on occasion I will get a look at what others have been able to do at the same age we are and the regrets can bubble up. But what can I do about them? Not. A. Thing. So I do my best to use the knowledge and experience to guide me now. D xx

  7. I am the same. I had a long list of regrets, but then I realised I had to forgive myself for my perceived regrets or mistakes. Rumination is a big problem for me and something I am working on with a therapist. Trying not to caught in that spiral and regrets do exactly that. Sigh. I am not saying I have all the answers but I’m working on it. And as you know, cancer has a way of making you sit up and not want to waste energy on regrets but live in the now. I love that Edith Piaf song xo

    • To be working on this is fantastic. I too, as you know, have been doing a lot of self-development and seeing a psychologist gave me a few more skills to add to my emotional health toolbox. It is far better to be a work-in-progress than to be stuck. I think that you are going awesomely well. D xx

  8. I was going to write a blog about regrets for this last week, but I hate to look back on things as regrets. I couldn’t properly think of anything. Maybe I haven’t had enough life experience. There are lots of things that sometimes I think I could or should have done differently, but I don’t truly regret them. At the time I did what I thought was best, and that has to be good enough. xx

    • I would have to say that it is part of my nature/personality/whatever to be both backward looking and forward looking and although I am MUCH better than I was, I have to ‘call me out’ when I do it too much. I think your outlook is the way to go. I would like to be more pragmatic as it sounds like you are on a winner that works!! D xx

  9. I think regrets are lessons we haven’t learned yet. And that’s ok, lessons click with us when it suits us, not when it suits a “should” of being “over it” or things like that.

    RE the super: I’m in a highly beneficial super position right now, rare type of fund, incredibly high contributions… but when you’re had so many fortnights of additional & unplanned expenses, like we’ve had recently, it does make it hard to see money going into super when I could technically stop a chunk of it and make it come to me right now. But I can’t restart it if I stop it, so I’m finding other ways to manage finances. I won’t say it doesn’t tempt me though!

    • That darned word ‘should’ is supposed to be ‘banned’ for me and I guess for most of us. That’s just us trying to impose our rules and behaviours on others I guess. Trying to keep control. I really have had to work on that and continue to do so.
      I would keep super where it is for as long as you can. I know it looks tempting to be out. In my case it was because I had a spouse in the same fund and industry (teaching) that I was offered to chance to leave and in 1972 saving that bit of money helped. But it did not when by around 1985 we realised that my work life was continuing for some time and I needed some super. No, they had closed that generous pension for life scheme and I went into the next one. It played against me too when I had to prematurely stop work (I wrote about it a while back) because that scheme had nothing like a pension nor a ‘stop work for medical reasons’ in it. To access my lump sum early I had to resign (I really did not want to) and then make application for early release (3 years early) and they would not do that unless I proved ill-health and that was when the Teachers Federation took on my case and they won. It is not something I would recommend to anyone who is young as you are…the government is already signalling later and later dates for people to have access to a govt pension scheme. Sigh.

      • Should is an awful word!

        And yes, I am keeping the super where it is; more than double the legal min super is a benefit worth maximising for however long I can. I know I still feel the ARGH when I look at the dollar figures but I’m not part of the job for life generation so I figure if I’m in a place where I can maximise it, then it’s a good idea to do it to cancel out any future times of non work.

        It does seem that the benefits of super funds just seem to get cut and cut and that does make it frustrating sometimes – I wonder what on earth it would even look like at retirement age for me. Probably nothing like it does now.

        • I do try to ban it from my vocab these days. I hear you on funds and fees. For little amounts that sit there when you do temp work and then to withdraw they take their fees out and leave you not much. Have you been able to consolidate any of your work from previous times into this account? At least with a permanent role you have some stability in this now very uncertain world that was nothing like the one where I began working.

  10. I saw today’s topic and thought… I’m sure I’ve got an old post (or two) I could link up. I won’t even tell you how many of my posts included the word regret. And lots as the theme!

    I think the one I’ve linked is a little ‘woe is me-ish’ but I like the theme of it: look forward not back as the view ahead is much bigger and more able to be put in perspective.

    And yes, when I think about the stuff I regret there’s really nothing I can do about any of it, other than learn for the future.

    I’m looking forward to your 2018 news on Thursday.

    Deb

    • Thanks Deb for finding a post. I know it’s hard to have perspective at times and one of the reasons I go outside is to see that there is more around me than just my thoughts at the time!! My news, whilst not terribly exciting, just brings something different to the mix for next year’s LTW and should appeal to linkers who like taking photos. Hint!! D xx

  11. Hi Denyse! Insightful post. I think it takes a lot of insight to identify your regrets and then a lot of courage to share them with others, so kudos to you! As a fellow teacher, I often wonder about my future considering the physical nature of our job, and it’s encouraging to know you and others who have worked long and happy careers, but its also good to recognise its not all easy along the way. Thanks for sharing your regrets, because others can learn from them too! For me, I regret not traveling more before I got married and started my family. But travel wasn’t a priority for me in my twenties and I just wanted to HAVE ALL THE BABIES! (Insert crazed voice). One day I’ll get to it.

    • Thanks so much Bron! Interesting isnt it? I didn’t have the travel bug when most of my peers went OS. I was happy to start teaching in the country and then met my now husband and that’s been great…47 years ago we met!! I have done a small amount of solo travel to US and count myself lucky to have done so. The accountability in teaching has gone WAAAAY to far and I see the burn-out occurring that I too was prey to in 2002. If there was a way to lessen the concern with children’s levels via artificial testing etc and trust teacher judgment then I know things would settle. Anyway, another topic methinks. As for having the babies I say good for you recognising that was what you wanted then. We hear of many people who think that it can wait…and sadly for some that is not so. Great to know more about you! D xx

  12. Up until the past couple of weeks I can honestly say that I’ve never really had regrets. I’ve always looked at experiences, whether good or bad, as learning opportunities. But, a recent diagnosis has delivered a huge regret because it’s made me see how life could have been so much better if this particular diagnosis was made a decade ago.I know it can’t be changed but my undiagnosed illness has had a substantial negative impact on my life. I guess now, I just have to look forward.

    • Oh dear Eva, I feel the sorrow and heartache in your words. I do hope, that over time, whatever has been diagnosed is manageable and that you can live your life with it. I know that something like this news hits hard, and we need to give it time as well as be as kind to ourselves as possible. Sending you all the good wishes and hope to you …Denyse xx

  13. Continually beating myself up over regrets or should’s are things that used to be a big part of my life, especially after my divorce. Many years on both of things have been banished from my world. I’ve come to accept that nothing good comes from beating yourself up about things that have happened in the past. The choice that you made then, was what you thought was the best option at the time. If you can’t change that outcome, it’s time to learn from it and move on.

    • That sounds like you have done an amazing amount of work on yourself to come from ‘back then’ to now where you are in control of not only those thoughts but life as it goes on for you now. Good messages for everyone in your comment. Thank you! D xx

  14. Judging by all the comments, this post must have rung a bell with a lot of people Denyse. I know what you mean about financial security – my husband has changed jobs at least 20 times in our married life and it drives me batty. I’ve learned to be very frugal and to always have a little bit in reserve. Fortunately we have kept our heads above water and things don’t look too grim. I hope you get to buy that lovely little dream home one day x

    • Oh wow Leanne I can see that would be very difficult to manage when you are not in control of the working life of your husband. You have done exceedingly well, despite the frustrations you may have encountered, to maintain a healthy relationship and a frugal household. Congrats I say!!
      Thanks for your good wishes for our future home.
      I am confident it will happen just don’t know where or when…D xx

  15. I don’t think I have many … if any regrets. Anything other hasn’t gone to plan
    in life,while sometimes so very scary, I have learnt from. I call us survivors because no matter what life has thrown at us we have always had a roof over our heads,clothing on our backs and foodonthe table.

    • That is a such a resilient outlook Kerrie. it sounds like coming through many difficult times has brought you to a place of acceptance and appreciation which many might envy. Go you! D xx

  16. I deeply regret staying with my ex, despite the many opportunities I had along the way to separate our lives. Not even my kids make the trauma of my final split from him worth it. I wonder who I would have been if I’d given myself a chance to find out in my 20s or even 30s. I was so scared of being alone, that I never wanted to try.

    • This made me sad for you D as I read it. I am sorry that you harbour the deep regret. I can only imagine this must come up over and over as you try to make the life you have now the best it can be. I hope that one day this regret might ease. I know over time it can be helpful to let go and accept but that is very hard when you remember with such regret. Denyse x

  17. I have many cringe worthy moments in my life, but what can I do but move on?! It would be nice to go back and change them, but that is impossible.

    • Interesting take…cringe worthy ..and yes we sure do know how they feel. But, as you and many agree, cannot do much about them now except to leave them where they are and move on. D xx

  18. I’ve previously written a post on this but I think while I have some regrets about things, I figure that life wouldn’t have turned out the way it has if we had taken different paths. I probably will have financial regrets in the future and maybe some relationship ones too.

  19. I love your quote Denyse – no regrets, just lessons to learn from.

Denyse values & reads every comment written, thank you. There is always a reply.

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