The Big C and Me. 15/2019.
It’s time to share more about me and the Big C.
Yes, it’s about C for…..
CONFIDENCE!
(ha! not the other big C for cancer)
I think I give an outward show of being confident. It is not really a fake it till I make it confidence either.
- Kirsty & I met…after 2 years of trying!
- By the water again
- This man taught me lots and still does and is my Best Friend
It is about self-confidence in selected settings.
- I am confident about my school life and teaching days and enjoy sharing the stories from then.
- I love this part of me that can share now. I know there were days in education that were not always great (yes, my emotional health took a beating in 2002) but I have grown so much as a person and learner since then.
- I am getting more confident of how I am managing my self-care in regards to less anxiety that plagued me for the years of my transition into retirement.
- What good news that is! It was horrible for me with IBS thrown into the mix and I have done so well taking on board exposure therapy and a small medication routine.
- I am less than confident in my belief about how well I am going in terms of my mental outlook since my cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments and surgeries.
- What is the evidence each day? None, really. It just happens sometimes.
- I remain under-confident about my changed appearance a.k.a. my body’s change from very overweight to ‘almost normal weight’ and then back to a slightly ‘overweight’ status.
- Am I taking steps to understand this huge shift and learning as I go? Yes. Every day.
- I am still not as confident as I think I need to be to take on a continuing role in educating others about Head and Neck cancer because I am sensing judgment of others. I do know that I call upon courage to help me through even I have doubts.
- Do I have evidence? Not really.
WHY?
I am who I am.
I am the product of a childhood and teen years spent in a dominant paternal household. I was told what to do. I may not always have done it but the memory of “other people’s words” being my measure for self remain.
I am able to give myself a ‘good talking to’ at times and can turn this matter of lack of self-confidence around.
But it takes energy and time AND motivation. I do not always have these on hand together and so there are days when my lack of self-confidence AND worth impact me more.
I am learning more in terms of self-compassion and how each of us is connected via shared humanity.
AM I FOOLING ANYONE?
Possibly but what of it?
- I am on Instagram each day keeping myself accountable for dressing with purpose and going out somewhere for coffee.
- This does help me ramp up some of my confidence in just doing so. I am not reliant on the comments as much any more because I know the effort I put in makes the outcome worth it.
- But then when I have kind followers write comments of “congratulations, kindness and cheering me on” I do appreciate this a lot but also that inner critic rises up and adds her voice “would they say that if they really knew me?”
- Lies. I do not tell them as far as I am aware but it seems maybe I am believing them from this inner critic. Who? Moi?
WHAT NOW?
Onward.
I know that putting these words here has helped me see that it’s my faulty thinking that has been affecting my self-confidence.
OK! How to change that?
- Already I have in some ways as I now recognise this inner critic voice and her role.
- My actions, my words and my inner life help me remember MUCH more about the confidence I like to have and know I can bring more to the fore.
- Each time I dress and go out for coffee, I am embedding self-confidence.
- My daily journal keeping can continue to be a ‘write it all down’ place and then review for evidence of this confidence tracking upwards not the downwards the inner critic can believe.
- My on-line interactions with people from my various communities in education, blogging and head and neck cancer are ways in which I grow my self-confidence and also give back to others where I can and it is asked for.
- Seeing myself as others do and may. It helps to believe that I am both good and doing good. This is something I have struggled with all of my life and want it to change. I can do this. I will remind myself more.
- Maintaining practices of:
- being in nature,
- time-outs with my art journal,
- chats with my husband, meditation each night,
- helping my physical body to relax,
- exercising within my limitations,
- planning to eat well and doing the same without any deprivation,
- cancer checks and better understanding of the fact that cancer actually never leaves but might take a back seat in my life,
- taking time to make contact with family and friends,
- exploring the local area’s beauty,
- browsing at the shops,
- reading,
- keeping to a timetable of sorts each day for balance in my life.
Already I feel better!
Thanks for reading.
Do you have an issue with the Big C?
Denyse.
Joining with my blogging friends here:
Min on Tuesdays here for #ZenTipsTuesday
Sue & Leanne on Wednesdays here for #MidlifeShareTheLove
Leanne & Crew on Thursdays here for #LovinLife
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