Sunday 17th February 2019

The Big C and Me. 15/2019.

The Big C and Me. 15/2019.

It’s time to share more about me and the Big C.

Yes, it’s about C for…..

CONFIDENCE!

(ha! not the other big C for cancer)

I think I give an outward show of being confident. It is not really a fake it till I make it confidence either.

It is about self-confidence in selected settings.

  • I am confident about my school life and teaching days and enjoy sharing the stories from then.
  • I love this part of me that can share now. I know there were days in education that were not always great (yes, my emotional health took a beating in 2002) but I have grown so much as a person and learner since then.

 

  • I am getting more confident of how I am managing my self-care in regards to less anxiety that plagued me for the years of my transition into retirement.
  • What good news that is! It was horrible for me with IBS thrown into the mix and I have done so well taking on board exposure therapy and a small medication routine.

 

  • I am less than confident in my belief about how well I am going in terms of my mental outlook since my cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments and surgeries.
  • What is the evidence each day? None, really. It just happens sometimes.

 

  • I remain under-confident about my changed appearance a.k.a. my body’s change from very overweight to ‘almost normal weight’ and then back to a slightly ‘overweight’ status.
  • Am I taking steps to understand this huge shift and learning as I go? Yes. Every day.

 

  • I am still not as confident as I think I need to be to take on a continuing role in educating others about Head and Neck cancer because I am sensing judgment of others. I do know that I call upon courage to help me through even I have doubts.
  • Do I have evidence? Not really.

WHY?

I am who I am.

I am the product of a childhood and teen years spent in a dominant paternal household. I was told what to do. I may not always have done it but the memory of “other people’s words” being my measure for self remain.

I am able to give myself a ‘good talking to’ at times and can turn this matter of lack of self-confidence around.

But it takes energy and time AND motivation. I do not always have these on hand together and so there are days when my lack of self-confidence AND worth impact me more.

I am learning more in terms of self-compassion and how each of us is connected via shared humanity.

AM I FOOLING ANYONE?

Possibly but what of it?

  • I am on Instagram each day keeping myself accountable for dressing with purpose and going out somewhere for coffee.
  • This does help me ramp up some of my confidence in just doing so. I am not reliant on the comments as much any more because I know the effort I put in makes the outcome worth it.
  • But then when I have kind followers write comments of “congratulations, kindness and cheering me on” I do appreciate this a lot but also that inner critic rises up and adds her voice “would they say that if they really knew me?”
  • Lies. I do not tell them as far as I am aware but it seems maybe I am believing them from this inner critic. Who? Moi?

WHAT NOW?

Onward.

I know that putting these words here has helped me see that it’s my faulty thinking that has been affecting my self-confidence.

OK! How to change that?

  • Already I have in some ways as I now recognise this inner critic voice and her role.

 

  • My actions, my words and my inner life help me remember MUCH more about the confidence I like to have and know I can bring more to the fore.

 

  • Each time I dress and go out for coffee, I am embedding self-confidence.

 

  • My daily journal keeping can continue to be a ‘write it all down’ place and then review for evidence of this confidence tracking upwards not the downwards the inner critic can believe.

 

  • My on-line interactions with people from my various communities in education, blogging and head and neck cancer are ways in which I grow my self-confidence and also give back to others where I can and it is asked for.

 

  • Seeing myself as others do and may. It helps to believe that I am both good and doing good. This is something I have struggled with all of my life and want it to change. I can do this. I will remind myself more.

 

  • Maintaining practices of:

 

  • being in nature,
  • time-outs with my art journal,
  • chats with my husband, meditation each night,
  • helping my physical body to relax,
  • exercising within my limitations,
  • planning to eat well and doing the same without any deprivation,
  • cancer checks and better understanding of the fact that cancer actually never leaves but might take a back seat in my life,
  • taking time to make contact with family and friends,
  • exploring the local area’s beauty,
  • browsing at the shops,
  • reading,
  • keeping to a timetable of sorts each day for balance in my life.

Already I feel better!

Thanks for reading.

Do you have an issue with the Big C?

 

Denyse.

Joining with my blogging friends here:

Min on Tuesdays here for #ZenTipsTuesday

Sue & Leanne on Wednesdays  here for #MidlifeShareTheLove

Leanne & Crew on Thursdays  here for #LovinLife

 

 

 

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My Worst Purchase. 6/51. #LifeThisWeek. 14/2019.

My Worst Purchase. 6/51. #LifeThisWeek. 14/2019.

Like most humans who buy anything, there are regrets post-purchase. Sometimes the regrets can be turned into a good choice with the options of re-selling, returning it, gifting, or learning to LIKE it.

In this case of my worst purchase it was something that I could DO something about but it was to come at a BIG cost.

The back story.

After long and faithful service to me and my family – grandkids especially – over 7 years it was time to sell my much loved Blue Avensis (7 seats were awesome with grandkids) and upgrade to a new car.

There is more.

We had finally sold our house by early 2015 and once the mortgage was paid out, we both needed new and reliable vehicles for our next stage of life: retirement and around 2 hours drive from Sydney. We could pay cash for the new cars.

My husband’s choice turned out to be just about spot-on – a Nissan Pathfinder – although he now says he wishes he had not chosen to white one. His car for driving always needs to be big – he is tall- but comfortable enough for his many weary bones and more. It also can serve as a tradie’s vehicle for when he is doing some work at others’ houses.

The middle part of the story.

When we were selecting his car, I too had my attention drawn to a car I loved the look of and the options it had. It was a red Nissan X-Trail. But then, adding the costs together “I” decided that amount of money on 2 vehicles would detract from the savings goal toward a new house one day.

I then went on to the familiar Toyota dealer who had sold me my 3 previous cars, and asked for a trade-in on my Avensis on a Toyota Corolla. Red. Of course. But also much less changeover cost too. I arranged to pick it up at the end of January when I was back in Sydney for an appointment.

The new car.

I did the changeover on the Friday afternoon, went to pick my new glasses up and began the drive back up the M1 after battling Sydney’s traffic. I love(d) my former Corollas. They were ideal for my city-driving days. But after having a vehicle with a higher position for driving and great all-round vision like the Avensis, my decision was one I was already regretting.

The real test came for me on the M1. I drive safely but well and am not a fear-filled driver in these conditions at all but this new car of mine was slow to take up the hills, and had nothing like what I knew I needed for my regular driving on the M1.

Regret – big time.

It is an awful feeling to know you have made a mistake and even more when you know that it has cost a lot of money. Yet, over that weekend, my husband who is both caring and generous, decided that it was not “on” to keep this car if it was not going to work for me. I was grateful of course but also aware of how much this might cost us. And it did.

Trade-Ins and Devaluations.

The saying that once you drive the car out of the showroom is loses so many thousands of dollars is true.

We knew it would be a cost to us for the trade-in of a NEW since three days previous car to one I really wanted and would love driving.

So, we spent a morning with the local dealer on the Central Coast and eventually an agreement was made.

They took my red Corolla and swapped it for a red Nissan X-trail at no cost  for a difference that still makes my eyes water and heart sink…well not as much as it did. But still it was in the 10s of thousands. Yikes.

Regret becomes delight.

My new car was changed to my next new car and I have not stopped smiling nor talking or writing about how much this car of mine means to me. This car is often my only companion on my many trips to Sydney and I love all part of her performance.

Then I hurt my red car!

It made me sad recently when I had a ‘run-in’ with those yellow bollards at Westmead after ignoring the warning beeps. I was distracted after a long and stressful time with the prosthodontist and just wanted to get home . It was me at the end of a very long process of three months WAITING for my mouth to be teeth ready. I look at this photo and know how I was feeling. Bad about the car but oh so over it about the mouth reconstruction!

Anyway, we finally had her repaired last week and my 5 days in a rental white SUV  made me even more grateful when I got back into her on Friday and drove home.

Worst Purchase and Its Lesson.

I have learned that I cannot make a decision like a car (or a house in the future)  based only on common-sense and finance as there has to also be something of my heart and emotions for it to be fully something I can embrace.

What is your worst purchase?

Denyse.

 

You can link up something old or new, just come on in. * Please add just ONE post each week! * Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not. * Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do! * Check out what others are up to by leaving a comment because we all love our comments, right! * Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere. I don’t have a ‘button’ so a link in text is fine! *Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog and the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. * THANK you for linking up today!

Joining Alicia here for Open Slather and Kell here for Mummy Mondays.

Inlinkz Link Party

Next Week’s Optional Prompt: 7/51. Self-Care: Share Your Story. #1. 18/2/19.

 

 

 

 

 

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My Mindfulness Practices’ Update. 13/2019.

My Mindfulness Practices’ Update. 13/2019.

I have written about the value of mindfulness and meditation several times here and here since 2015 and I have decided to update my readers and in doing so, join in with Min of who is launching her ZenTipsTuesday link up today!

Join the #ZTT train by linking up your post about any kind of lifestyle choice, activity, or holiday that helped bring you a feeling of ZEN – peace, or enhanced feeling of balance (mind, body and spirit).

Congratulations to Min. I hope this Tuesday link-up is a great one.

In the past year, these are some of what I practise to achieve mindfulness:

mindfulness: rather than me explain it: this one page article has three ways in which to describe mindfulness and I suggest a read because…it is ‘not all about being in this moment’. Nor is it all about meditation and clearing out your mind. That as I know is impossible and no meditation teacher ever expects that to occur.

 

When I notice my body (and soul I suppose!) not being as in sync as I now know they can be, I try to find s part of nature that soothes me and helps me add the world around me to filling me up again.

A place called Porters Creek – part of Wyong River – is a favourite place to walk alongside and stop and take in what surrounds me.

 

Of course, I have written before about Mindfulness and Mandalas and that is here. However after quite a gap between making mandalas due to busy-ness of making bookmarks from my art, I felt called back to this most mindful of art I do. I love the creative process and then carefully deciding after the pattern has been completed, just how I will colour it.

 

An A3 size mandala created by me and eventually coloured with some of these fabulous markers which has a brush end and a pointed end.

 

Recently I could not settle myself. That happens at times when there is more on my mind than I may admit to: possibly related to cancer recovery. So on this occasion again I took myself out in the car and found a place at Tacoma beside the Wyong River and sat. And looked and noticed: what I held in my hand. Check out the tiny mandala shape in nature!

Sometimes it is the change of view that helps and I get out of my house. This find told me that if I look carefully I will find something of interest. I did.

 

I have learned the lesson over and over again that there is no one right time. Take a risk, give something a go and be kind to yourself as you do so. That is living in the now!

 

Calm is my preferred meditation app now and I have life membership – it was surprisingly cheap and there are many options on the app that it is for me better than my previous Headspace app.

 

If my mind is whirling and worrying sometimes a more complex but different kind of drawing challenge helps me focus on “just one thing”. This is an example of a previously “too hard” mandala in its final stages of drawing.

Taking my time, reading the instructions (!) and doing this was such a good thing for me at the time.

 

I have been learning about Self-Compassion for over 3 years now but am always learning something new about it and myself. I am far less likely to speak to myself harshly these days and I remember to practise self-compassion when I do not have a great day. Completing the Mindful Self Compassion Workbook by Dr Kirstin Neff and Dr Chris Germer is helping cement my practices.

Do you practise self-care? In 2019 each 7th week, for LifeThisWeek I am asking bloggers to share their self-care and self-kindness stories.

 

A favourite way of re-connecting with myself in a pleasant environment is this place. I found it before I knew I had cancer in 2017 and visited it once I found out. I like to walk here and take time to gather my thoughts and at the same time immerse myself in the bigger world beyond my mind!

The walking bridge at Budgie is a favourite.

 

It is no secret to those who follow me on Instagram that the beach is a winner hands-down for me as a mood-buster and a ‘time to give thanks’ spot.

I knew last week this is where I HAD to come at 6 p.m. and it cheered me no end. Especially dipping in the water and facing the challenge of crashing waves!

 

And so, that IS my mindful practices’ update. I hope you are finding this thing we are in called LIFE going well for you. If you are not so, and that happens, maybe some of mine could be ones to help you too.

Denyse.

Joining in with Min from Write of the Middle for Zen Tips Tuesday for the first link up!

On Wednesdays I link here for Midlife Share the Love. Thank you Sue and Leanne.

This Thursday I link up here as part of Lovin’ Life linky  with Leanne and friends.

 

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Share Your Snaps #1. 5/51. #LifeThisWeek 12/2019.

Share Your Snaps #1. 5/51. #LifeThisWeek 12/2019.

Welcome to the fifth optional prompt for #LifeThisWeek:

Share Your Snaps

Every 5th week is is photo-centred post. Not wordless for me, however, because….just because!

Let’s meander down January’s memories:

Oh MY goodness it is great to eat real food again. This took a LOT longer to eat than before I had cancer but it was wonderful.

 

My 6th grandchild & 4th granddaughter at ‘her’ dressing table which was mine as a teen, then stayed at home for Mum to use till 2007 and then given to my daughter’s family. It “still” has the Sydney Uni transfer on mirror I put there in 1969. because that was where my boyfriend at the time went.

 

And Pennant Hills Road Sydney…I missed you (not)…on my way to M2 to get to Westmead for a January mouth check.

 

Blogger, Author and Appearance Activist Carly Findlay’s book is here. Launches are occurring all around Australia. I first heard and met Carly at the Inaugural Aussie Bloggers’ Conference in 2011. My copy, on pre-order, is being read by me now. An excellent memoir.

 

On our way to see the family for our grandson’s 18th we drove through roads and streets not seen before: with buildings and shops and houses and apartments and this: a new school! Wow we thought.

 

And a week later we got some pleasing news. Our daughter, teacher-librarian, has been appointed to this brand new school and her youngest has started there too now. Here is the library (only one part!).

 

What an amazing courtyard, and space! It’s a brand new Public School at North Kellyville. We once lived in Kellyville and the land on which the school is built was grazing and acre blocks. So much has happened development-wise since we left north-west Sydney 4 years ago.

 

I miss the white/ pale pink frangipanis we had at the previous rental house but am definitely attracted to the colourful ones these days so when I saw these on a drive through The Entrance I HAD to stop and capture their beauty.

 

This map of Australia caught my attention and that of many when it was re-published by me on Australia Day. Each coloured section represents a country for the original custodians of the land. The Aboriginal people we lived with and taught helped us to learn far more than we might have any other way.

 

Toothless again. It was temporary and of course, on a break from the prosthodontist chair I took a selfie. Just goes to show how much upper teeth make my smile.

 

An unusual spot for me on this trip to Sydney for our grandson’s 18th Birthday lunch. I am in the passenger seat and got to film crossing the Hawkesbury River bridge. It is a marker of sorts for me of leaving the coast and heading to the big smoke.

 

Dad: I came to share some food goodies and meals for his freezer just a few days after his 95th birthday. He is on his balcony pointing to the BIG complex that Dee Why RSL is building on the border of the Independent Retirement Complex where he has lived contentedly for almost 8 years.

 

After buying Dad’s house in 2011 we knew the architect owners would eventually renovate it. It still has come to a shock to all of the family how different it looks already. That is progress of course. Dad is not keen on seeing the updates.

 

Early January I had an unexpected visit to Chris O’Brien Lifehouse (image of the late Prof here) to have some extra skin growth check by my Professor. It is all OK but that day was a wake-up to reality for me. Anytime something “is” different it will be checked to see if it is “cancer”.

Today, Monday 4 February 2019, is World Cancer Day.

Catch up on more here. 

I hope that if  you or anyone you know  does have a cancer diagnosis you would be aware of the many more successful treatments and prognoses these days. It does, of course, depend on the type and stage of cancer when diagnosed. It doesn’t detract from the seriousness of course but to someone who has been through my recent cancer experiences I have found out more than I ever thought possible about a cancer diagnosis.

Best wishes to you all this coming month.

Denyse.

 

You can link up something old or new, just come on in. * Please add just ONE post each week! * Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not. * Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do! * Check out what others are up to by leaving a comment because we all love our comments, right! * Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere. I don’t have a ‘button’ so a link in text is fine! *Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog and the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. * THANK you for linking up today!

Joining Alicia here for Open Slather and Kell here for Mummy Mondays.

Next Week’s Optional Prompt: 6/51. My Worst Purchase. 11/2/19.


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Telling My Story. Chapter Nine. 1978-1979.11/2019.

Telling My Story. Chapter Nine. 1978-1979. 11/2019.

Telling My Story

For the past two years I have been writing my memoir which is a mix of my life as a daughter, wife, mother and educator. Written now with no personal details to protect others, I am moving onto the first two significant years of our life back ‘in the big smoke’ a.k.a Sydney. The years are 1978-1979. The chapters already written are found here.

1978.

Living in Sydney as a family.

We arrived back in Sydney and my parents’ house would be our place of abode for the next 3 or so months. Our furniture was transported back to a storage facility in Sydney and we had a holiday – at Mum and Dad’s. Almost by the beach and of course our daughter was the much-welcomed presence. My husband had a new appointment in a north-shore K-6 school as a Deputy Master and I was appointed to what was then a brand new school in the leafy glades near Pennant Hills. Our daughter was to go to school with me. It would be quite a drive across Sydney so we made the decision to get a second car. This was radical and maybe not a great financial move, but we were young! Oh, and the small matter of somewhere to live permanently meant our first mortgage and a house search.

Finding a house.

No longer able to be ‘near that water of the northern beaches’ due to affordability it also made sense for us to go ‘west’ …north-west in fact, as both of us could access our schools with greater ease AND the house and land package was, for us, affordable once the mortgage came through: $44,600.

We were stoked and then I had some health news. About my women’s issues. Just before going to our new schools I had a consultation with my Mum’s ob/gyn specialist who believed the source of my pain on the side was from my ovary. He also heard the full story from me about the NO pregnancy news from others who’d treated me in the previous years.

His plan was to operate on me and remove whatever was causing me issues, and then we might see about the possibilities of a second child.

So proud to call this our first home…that we were not renting.

Schools.

I was already at my school but with no class. In those days the Department of Education appointed teachers when they saw the numbers of students were likely to increase. I was not a happy teacher as I was experienced but I had to comply. Our daughter had settled in too. With the news of this surgery which could be done asap and my recovery period would be around 3 weeks, I decided to go for that then. Mum was there for our daughter’s practical care as was my husband but he was also working in a completely new and busy environment learning about managing large student populations and staff. He took our daughter, Miss Flexible it seems, with him to his school for the weeks involved in my surgery and recovery.

My surgery.

The findings once the abdominal surgery was done, were that I had multiple issues inside for both ovaries which were covered in cysts and ovulation was impossible. I also had some benign growths on fallopian tubes and both of these were causes for my infertility. Not fat. Thanks Dr who told me that. My now ob/gyn, Dr O, said “I have cut tiny sections in your ovaries and that should assist with egg release.”

Home to Mum’s then more news. And We Are In!

I recovered with the best of care and then came the time just before our house would be ready to move into and I returned to school. The news was this: a transfer had arrived at the school where I had no class and I was to report to this new-to-me school asap AND it was much closer to our new house. Thanks to the deities. We moved into the new house with help (and yes it was the wettest 17th March ever) and over time we made it home. I began very soon after at the school where I would be for the next 5 years and it became our daughter’s primary school until she was ready for high school.

New School. New Routines. And NEWS.

The schools in NSW had a different way of enrolling Kinder students then and my class, one of 8, was to receive each of the June and July birthday kids until the end of Term One. Every Monday over a few weeks a new set of scared, sad, happy, nervous young kids began with me in K. In a demountable. No fans or air-con people. Our daughter meanwhile who had a rocky start to the BIG school of 8 classes per grade, finally found her place and flourished. Phew. Meanwhile my husband, who was feeling effects of the neck pain and back pain along with managing his school roles, did it pretty tough. But he is tough.

Can I Be? Really?

We found ourselves a fantastic GP team of a husband and wife who were our medicos from 1978 to 2012 or thereabouts. They were family-oriented and even our kids as adults went to them and then their kids. But I am getting ahead of myself. I was feeling different. It had only been two months since my surgery but I was pretty sure I could be pregnant. No peeing on sticks then but a blood test and wait for results. Oh. My. Goodness. The nurse who did my test was a parent in my class! So much for privacy because she actually knew my story (I must have shared) and she rang me to tell me, yes I was pregnant. She kept quiet but I was always grateful to hear what I had not ever expected to hear again. The news was not accepted as excitedly by my husband right then because I have to add, we were “up to our eyeballs” in loans for cars, house and so on. But I could see we would be OK. And over time, he did too of course!

What Happened Next?

I decided to return to my Dr O who I trusted for my care and birth and even though he was not 100% impressed in my ahem, rapidity, in becoming pregnant took me on and this meant a monthly Friday afternoon trip to the Northern beaches to see him, with my daughter in tow, and then have tea with my parents and trek back. I was well. Mind you, I was tired but teaching was a joy and there were two other teachers also pregnant on Kinder and even before it was recess, the lovely canteen ladies would send us cheese crusts! Yum.

So Much Better This Time Around.

I was almost 8 years older than the first time I was pregnant. I was more educated on childbirth and breastfeeding. I did not know the sex of our child and we chose names for both. I enjoyed preparing a nursery from scratch (remember, we had given all the baby items away except for a special baby basket). My weight remained stable and there was no pre-eclampsia. However, the toll of teaching Kinders in Summer in a hot demountable classroom saw my GP recommend finishing earlier than the mandated 6 weeks and I did that willingly.

With regular visits to my parents’ house where my Dad had finally added an in-ground pool, I was treated pretty darned well. My teacher mates gave me a great baby shower, and one of my friends was now at home with her baby and my other colleague was due after me. The due date was mid January and by then I was “over it”. A slight rise in BP meant I took up the locum Ob/Gyn offer to admit me the following Sunday for induction. My Dr was still sailing in the Sydney to Hobart I was told.

Birth day Time

After a leisurely float around the pool, we changed and went our way across Sydney to North Sydney saying good bye to our daughter then 7 knowing she would be a sister next time we saw her. I had then-practice of pre-induction enema and I was given a private room as I had hoped to ‘room-in’ with my baby after having such a different experience in 1971. The night was slow even though I had some pain. My husband went to Mum and Dad’s and I saw him the next morning when I was taken to labour and delivery. If only. Induction was s for slow and I had p for pain. I was adamant no pain relief or epidural. Until I could not bear it any longer – 8 hours of so of pain every 10 mins going nowhere broke me. It appeared, I had another posterior lie baby. I had the epidural and it worked. On one side. S for sheeeet.

I got tired. I was over it. And of course, that meant I was ready to give birth. But I had forgotten that. This time with as gentle coaching husband, a calm Dr, oh and a million or so nurses who rocked up to count my birthing as one of theirs for registration, I pushed out….the watermelon. I was OVER it. In fact, the baby boy was passed to my husband for care, the Dr started his stitching and they chatted. About whether this new boy would play cricket for Australia. Seriously. I was done. In fact the hospital was crazy busy with births and we got some time-out together in a side ward until I (we!) was taken to my private room.

It was a painful but glorious end to our quest to have a second child and he was just a much-wanted child. Not much more to add. His sister was proud, we thought he was great and on the date of our wedding anniversary we took him home – firstly to my parents and then back across Sydney home. Even in those days, car safety for babies was slack and he was in a basket, protected with a net and a safety belt around that.

The family baby basket. This is his sister in it. Later, over the years, our grandchildren slept in it when we cared for them.

Parenting Two.

It really was not a big issue. His sister was 7.5 years older than him and doted on him. We also made sure her routines continued and I would bring the baby with me. One thing I remember doing as a member of the local Australian Breastfeeding Association was take him to the local pre-school and show the kids how he was fed and cared for. However, I was still not as happy about being at home. My friend had her child now and occasionally we would meet up for baby weighing days. But we needed me to be back at school and I did too. There was only one choice in 1979 – full-time or stay on leave.

Of course, it was always going to be about the family day care options. I was given some places to see and I was disappointed on first impression. Then I remembered one of the parents from the K class had told me about Aunty Y who cared for her two and she highly recommended her. I visited with my son and the house was messy but it was kid-messy and a more grandmotherly person I was yet to meet. She agreed to care for him 5 days a week and her house was on my way to school. Win.

I had continued to breast feed with success and at 18 weeks our son happily went to his family daycare home with some bottles of expressed breast milk and was cared for with love. I, on the other hand, found it trickier being a breast-feeding teacher and when I thought about it, my milk would ‘come in’. I found over time though the my milk regulated and with the energy expended by me with teaching Year 1 , playground duty and so on, I had enough to feed him once we were home, and then express for the next day. Over time he added milk in a bottle and some food as babies do but I was proud of “us” lasting around 8 months.

We were grateful to have a very independent and resourceful daughter, a pretty good baby and a hands-on husband who was also in full-time work and we made it happen. It was hard. I know we got some nights where sleep was patchy because of the baby but we all know we can power on…thanks to coffee! My parents offered on some occasions to cook a meal at our house and that was readily accepted. We were new residents of a growing suburb in north-west Sydney and though very busy, our life was going well.

Teaching and Ambition.

I returned to a Year One class in May 1979 and was immediately struck by the teamwork and professionalism in this particular section of the school. I admit, I saw teachers who were applying for promotion via what was then called The List system and it made me say to myself “I can do that.” So, from then onwards, I took on a few more responsibilities within the school. It was a very large school in a newly populated area. 8 classes per grade: 24 classes K-2! We only tended to meet with our grade as the time was hectic. We were in temporary lodgings as a new school to take some of the kids was being built further along the road. By 1981 that would occur and we would be all on the same site.

Family Life.

What would occur in our family life in 1980 is part of the next chapter. It was huge, and significant and continues to affect us in some ways today.

Next Chapter: 1980 onwards. 

This will incorporate more of my teaching career as it was the beginning of promotions and new roles for me. NOT something I had planned but it happened for quite a few reasons.

Denyse.

Joining here on Thursday with Leanne and crew at Lovin’ Life.

 

 

 

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On Learning About Eating. Part One.10/2019.

On Learning About Eating.  Part One. 10/2019.

I have been eating my way through life for over 69 years now. As anyone does.

Yes, I “am” the baby. I also know my grandmother (left) and Dad struggled with weight issues too.

But, I still do not understand much about eating ….unless it is:

  • diet-based (fail)
  • managing to eat enough for nourishment after cancer surgery in my mouth (pass/fail/maybe)
  • how to moderate my choices for more than a day or so ( pass or is it fail?)

Why I am I writing about this topic?

It has puzzled me (and I am thinking many who read this) why I ate. Because I know it was often not based on sound nutritional practices and in fact was in some way disordered. I do not have an eating disorder but I do/did eat like this:

  • some secretive ways – late at night or when no-one was around
  • using stashes of chocolate to soothe me
  • having take-away food in the car

I have written a long post here about my “weight” and how I played “possum” about it. No-one could (or dared) mention it yet I was/still can be ashamed of my behaviour.

Since my cancer surgeries where I lost more weight through not being ABLE to eat much, I did enjoy the unexpected outcome of buying lovely clothes to fit me and to show my newly acquired physique…thanks to oral cancer…

And that was lovely and I will always appreciate that time in my life from October 2017 to around the same time in 2018.

Some examples of my pre-upper prosthesis meals. Mind you I cannot face any of these as a meal now I am post-teeth.

Then I began to eat more food from late August 2018 on. Because I could. Oh and it tasted so good, the senses were in over-drive and the fact that I could now BITE, CRUNCH and CHEW was amazing. This happened because “I got my upper prosthesis”. Yay.

And my weight has crept up. What did I do? I was glad I could eat from a wider (pardon the pun) range of foods but I sensed my retreat into anxiety about my appearance and that it would become noticeable to others. Early in 2019 my husband could see my emotional state had become less content since my early months of “having teeth” euphoria and we had a very frank discussion where I confessed I was worried I had not learned anything new about eating despite the privations of 14 months with no upper teeth. Because of cancer. If you want to read about my cancer, here is the page with the posts.

Organised and planner me took over for a while and this is what I came up with since that chat:

  • weigh-in once a month
  • focus when I go out on coffee part not the add-on of a food such as donuts, date loaf or muffin
  • eat more regularly: make specific time ranges for three meals a day. Add snacks.
  • plan groceries around my meals (my husband and I eat a shared meal a few times only in a week)
  • resist late-night snacking in bed by allowing hunger to be felt
  • speaking kindly towards myself in any times of difficulty (this is such a different me to old, punitive me)
  • look at the facts about my appearance rather than the perceptions aka mind-based ones
  • move more each day – it has been very hot so it has been better to stay home than to get outside BUT I can walk more when I go to a coffee place in a shopping centre

Then I heard about Mindful Eating. As someone who has practised mindfulness as part of my cancer recovery time along with when I am faced with anxious and scary times, I was very interested. So I bought the two books AND am now listening via CD to this program.

I KNEW I ate for more reasons than stomach hunger! The author who knows from experience of both an early eating issue, is a doctor and a mindfulness practitioner has opened my mind! I am doing some of the exercises and I now know I (we) eat to satisfy:

  • eye hunger
  • nose hunger
  • stomach hunger
  • mouth hunger
  • heart hunger
  • mind hunger
  • cellular hunger

The tracks on the CD are listed here. I am a work-in-progress of course.

Here’s what I am learning so far:

  • I eat visually: eyes it seems come first BUT
  • I also eat by the stomach so I recognise the feelings of fullness
  • I KNEW I ate from mouth hunger but had no idea why. It explains how much I (we) miss chewing, crunching, savouring and tasting….as I did in my 14 months after cancer surgeries.
  • I need to care for and about myself around this issue of eating. Not say anything negative about what I am doing. The inner critic needs to be back in her place. Doing well so far.
  • I need to eat at regular intervals but to also feel the stomach hunger too. I am very much into the early stages of making things around eating work for me but am proud now that I:
  • meal plan – and include some protein at each main meal
  • snacks are well & truly covered and are linked to helping my meet my mouth hunger, visual hunger and heart hunger
  • can look at my image in the mirror or photo and be proud of the body that has helped me overcome cancer 
  • am learning lessons about eating I wish I had known a long time ago

29 Jan 19 : Writing this post after going out for coffee and groceries.

Part Two will be an update. This is most definitely a project in health and head and neck cancer recovery worth taking my time over.

Is eating something you struggle with?

How do you make eating choices?

I would love to know more in the comments!

Denyse.

Joining with Sue here and Leanne for the Wednesday link up MidLife Share The Love.

 

 

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What Is Hope? 4/52. #LifeThisWeek. 9/2019.

What Is Hope? 4/52. #LifeThisWeek. 9/2019.

This year I hope to be well and continue to progress as successfully as I am in terms of my health

I am hoping that my next visit to my Head & Neck Cancer surgeon will bring only good news.

It is hoped that all the children who are born into this world today will have health, shelter and love in their lives.

What is hope?

I really cannot qualify it. My statements of hope above are a mix of “good wishes and good luck”.

I went to quotations sites and here are ones about hope that had meaning for me.

 

Where there’s life, there’s hope.

Theocritus (c.270 BC)

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.

Desmond Tutu

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

Thich Nhat Hanh

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Thomas Norton & Thomas Sackville (1536-1608)

Hope is a beautiful thing. It gives us peace and strength, and keeps us going when all seems lost. Accepting what you cannot change doesn’t mean you have given up on hope. It just means you have to focus your hope on more humanly tangible and attainable goals.

Julie Donner Andersen

Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning.

Barbara Kingsolver

You’ve gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less.

Author Unknown

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.

Anne Lamott

Then I gathered some photos from my collection which are messages I see as hope.

What is hope?

Denyse.

You can link up something old or new, just come on in. * Please add just ONE post each week! * Feel free to go with the prompt for the week to add your ‘take’ on the prompt. Or not. * Please do stay to comment on my post as I always reply and it’s a bloggy thing to do! * Check out what others are up to by leaving a comment because we all love our comments, right! * Add a link back to this blog in your post somewhere. I don’t have a ‘button’ so a link in text is fine! *Posts deemed by me, the owner of the blog and the link-up, to be unsuitable for my audience will be deleted without notice. * THANK you for linking up today!

Joining Alicia here for Open Slather and Kell here for Mummy Mondays.

Next Week’s Optional Prompt: 5/51. Share Your Snaps. 4/2/19.


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My Daily A-Z Challenge On Instagram. 8/2019.

My Daily A-Z Challenge on Instagram. 8/2019.

By the end of January 2019 I admit this had started to be ‘over- challenging’ me in some ways, so I have admitted I want to do my instagram photos with greater flexibility and that perhaps I am now less likely to need a challenge! Go figure. I continue to do a daily post with what I am wearing because I enjoy this and will add other photos to my collages. Thanks for your interest! Denyse 

I like to have a daily photo of me taken as it helps me remember why I started to #dresswithpurpose in 2017. See here for more.

I do tend to get a bit bored after a while with myself AND what I post on Instagram (then to Facebook and Twitter) so in 2019 I came up with this idea for the first half of the year. Goodness knows whether I will continue it after that but there IS a way to go.

For me, Instagram is photo-centred and I am visually- oriented. It is a quick way for me to connect each day. BUT, the snag for me is this. I cannot connect universally as my account is private. For the very good reason : hacked in May 2017. Ask for follow: @denysewhelan

Each week, starting on Tuesday: because 1 January was a Tuesday, post a photo with the letter of the alphabet and its word I have listed loosely themed around the collage I post. Here is one example from each of the first weeks. 

 

1 Jan: Week One: Appreciation

8 Jan: Week Two: Beauty

15 Jan: Week Three: Connection

22 Jan: Week Four: Details

 

29 Jan: Week Five: Exciting

5 Feb: Week Six: Flourish

12 Feb: Week Seven: Gratitude

19 Feb: Week Eight: Hope

26 Feb: Week Nine: Inquisitive

5 Mar: Week Ten: Joyful

12 Mar: Week Eleven:  Kindness

19 Mar: Week Twelve: Love

26 Mar: Week Thirteen: Mindfulness

2 Apr: Week Fourteen: Noting

9 Apr: Week Fifteen: Optimism

16 Apr: Week Sixteen: Pleasure

23 Apr: Week Seventeen: Questioning

30 Apr: Week Eighteen: Read

7 May: Week Nineteen: Scenic

14 May: Week Twenty: Teach

21 May: Week Twenty-One: Understand

28 May: Week Twenty-Two: Voice

4 Jun: Week Twenty-Three: Wonder

11 Jun: Week Twenty-Four: eXtra

18 Jun: Week Twenty-Five: Yay

25 Jun: Week Twenty-Six: Zest

So, how about it? You sure do not have to post every day. That is just me. But should you choose to, use this hashtag (I hope to remember it!)

#denysewhelanAtoZchallenge2019

I look forward to sharing more of these – as my creative brain can find examples – over the next 6 months. Gosh, almost the end of January….the next five months!

Denyse.

Joining the lovely Leanne for Lovin’ Life on Thursdays here.

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